Adventures in Grocery Shopping

Today was supposed to be simple. There was a grocery list on the table with some coupons and two stores to visit without my wife. Sounds like a piece of cake, right? Wrong. It was an adventure Indiana Jones would have had trouble handling. First I went to Sam’s club and found the store arranged backward from the way I remember it last. Then I began looking for the items on the list. I needed cereal bars. Not just any cereal bars would do, but bars with just the right nutritional contents. I looked at box after box that had too much of one and not enough of the other. Then I found the right brand. Yeah! Wrong bars. Boo! I finally found the right bars but they were in a split pack with other bars that did not reach the nutrition requirements. Do I buy them anyway? They are on the list so they must be important. After all, you don’t just put things on lists for no good reason. So I put it in the cart. Then I came to the cheese. It was $7.00 just for one chunk. I figured I was going to the normal grocery store afterward and could buy it there cheaper. Next on the list was “Salad”. An entire wall was filled with bags of lettuce. Some were different types while others were blends. Some bags were big and some bags were small. How much do I get? Doesn’t it seem to go bad in like a day? I don’t want to get too much or too little. Nothing just said, “Salad”. I stalked a lady looking at the same wall while I pretended to look at my phone. Without a second thought, she picked up a bag and put it in her cart. She didn’t even break stride. I quickly took a bag of the same kind and moved on. Next the list said “Eggs”. I reached the aisle and there were mountains of eggs. There were different sizes, colors and quantities. How many do I get? What size is right? I’ve never had an egg colored anything but white so I had that part down. No one else was looking so my trick wouldn’t work this time. I passed in favor of the supermarket. After checking out my bill at Sam’s was over $200.00, and I still needed to go grocery shopping! So I went to the other store and tried to finish the list. First up was the cheese. It was $7.69 for a smaller chunk than at Sam’s. I thought about it but I was not going back. Begrudgingly, I put the cheese in the cart. Then I blindly picked a dozen eggs that were not broken. Then I needed vitamins with just the right nutrients. Something that would have taken my wife two seconds had me crawling on the tile reading the back of the bottles. I was there so long, one of the managers pretended to straighten the shelves nearby just to make sure I wasn’t stealing. I finally asked for help at the pharmacy counter. They sent a fellow out and he asked, “Did you try reading the back of the bottles?” I just smiled and gestured to the shelves for him to look. He took longer to look than me. Finally he found one for children (I think I needed ones for adults) but he said adults could take them too. I didn’t even look at the price and placed them in the cart. Overall, I spent nearly the entire day shopping and still left items off the list. After all, “Canned vegetables” can be almost anything. I have new found respect for my wife. It is a job I gladly relinquish and thank her for doing. I’m exhausted and I’m sure I bought some of the wrong merchandise.