The Queen of Backsliding

I just read a blog post by author Katina French on her embarrassing medical conditions. She points out that October is Mental Illness Awareness month. Boy howdy.

**Clarification: A presidential decree actually declared May as National Mental Health  Awareness Month, 2013.

 In 1990, the U.S. Congress established the first full week of October as Mental Illness  Awareness Week (MIAW) in recognition of NAMI’s efforts to raise mental illness awareness. Since then, mental health advocates across the country have joined with others in their communities to sponsor activities, large or small, for public education about mental illness. 

Mental Illness Awareness Week, Oct. 6-12, 2013. MIAW coincides with the National Day of Prayer for Mental Illness Recovery and Understanding (Oct. 8) and National Depression Screening Day (Oct. 10.)**

She claims to be the queen, but how can that be true, given my medical history. From what I’ve seen, Kat is a delightful woman and she does camoflauge her issues pretty well. I know how she feels. Having dealt with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, I can totally get where she is coming from.

I also feel for her with regard to the digestive system, and I trump her husband’s diabetes with my own diabetes. Toss in my heart condition and the dreaded allergies that Kat fears, and I am obviously the queen. But I will give her that title in her kingdom and take the title for my own kingdom. In the land of Backsliding, we thrive on failed quests and goals. We set new goals with extreme glee and then we suffer in excrutiating emotional pain when we fall off the wagon.

In my case, I not only fell off the wagon, but I ate it. When I first got sick I weighed 309 lbs (I looked like someone stuck an air hose up my arse at full force). It was horrifically uncomfortable. I managed to get down to 206 pounds over the course of 5 years and that was pure bliss. I could not remember the time when I felt better. But alas, the land of Backsliding is a dangerous place and there are many demons to be vanquished. Unfortunately, I just ate one of them too.

In the last month or so I have gained almost 20 pounds and I don’t know how to make it stop. I mean, I know what I have to do, I just can’t seem to get over the emotionally instability that causes me to ignore the obvious. I do sincerely want to lose weight. I promise I do. I just can’t stop eating. I get upset, I eat. I get scared, I eat. I get happy, I eat. The happy eating is the only eating I really enjoy. The others are just a defense against the horrible feelings whirling inside of me.

I recently had several people tell me how inspired they are by me and my strength. Thank you, but I am not strong. I am actually quite weak and nuerotic. I have fears and insecurities like everyone else and while this post may seem whiny and pathetic, it is actually intended to let you know that I am going to kick all this crap to the curb. I just needed to vent.

And while you’re here, I would like to remind you to show mercy and tolerance when people aren’t just like you. We aren’t all crazy, we’re just different.