Why it is Important to Validate Others
My big lug of a cat was injured last week. Then his diabetes kicked up and then he stopped eating and things weren’t looking good and since he’s already used up about 13 of his nine lives, I felt like my heart was cracking and I was wound up in worry.
The emotional stress of providing the care he needed and the financial stress of paying for it contributed to a cycle of anxiety – some of it rational, much of it irrational – that kept me stuck. I felt overwhelmed.
Until my husband validated my experience. He listened to my concerns. Asked questions that showed his support, reflected back my feelings in a way that showed me he was paying attention. He didn’t tell me not to worry, he just heard that I was.
In just a few minutes I went from feeling crazy to feeling calmer and more able to cope.
What Validation Does
Validation satisfies our deep human need to be seen. It is the recognition of another’s experience or emotional state. And we all need that from time to time.
We all want to be understood, we all want to be accepted. And, when we can validate someone else’s experience by listening well, respecting their feelings, and accepting their experience we can support them in the moment and build stronger relationships.
Validation doesn’t necessarily imply agreement. My husband, for example, didn’t necessarily view the cat crisis as a reason to eat a vat of macaroni and cheese, but he was able to listen to me talk about my concerns and he did understand my stress. That helped me to find a bit of perspective in my own experience.
It also made me feel valued – unlike its evil counterpart invalidation, where your feelings are rejected, poo-pooed, disregarded or seen as dumb, and wrong, ridiculous or over-reactive. That breeds more stress and loneliness. Mostly, all we really want is to be heard.
And when you are, you’re more likely to engage in the world. You’ll feel more comfortable sharing who you are.
Imagine if you are at work on a new project and your co-workers constantly interrupt, put down your ideas, or ignore your feedback — it’s unlikely you’ll feel like participating. You won’t bring anything.
But, when we validate each other when we acknowledge each other’s thoughts and feelings, when we hear them and respect them — whether we like them or not – people are more likely to share and participate. They feel important, as though they matter. And, of course they do. Everyone has something to contribute.
When people show up and engage, because they are validated by the others, they are more likely to be effective problem solvers and innovators – something every workplace and family, for that matter, needs. Validation is important for the person being heard because they feel valued and understood. It’s important for the rest of us because we can all benefit from their ideas and perspective.
Validation builds understanding and participation and it helps people move through difficult emotions and challenging situations. It builds connection and that’s really what this life should be about anyhow – looking out for one another. On Wednesday, I’ll tell you how.
