NEWS FLASH: Charlie Bray Publishes New e-Book

Hi All, I’m so excited.

My brand new funny book has hit the Amazon kindle shelves this week.

I’m an Ebay idiot that gets so carried away whilst bidding, that I’m slowly filling by house up with the weirdest things, that are of little use, and certainly no ornament. Mrs Bray is not best pleased. Mainly because she’s let the lead slip.

I need help – Mrs Bray’s told me that many times –  so I’ve created a club.

A fictitous club, obviously, ‘cos that’s what I do.

The new book tells the story of a dozen idiots who are as daft as I am when battling with the Online Giant. So here it is…the great unveiling…

The Village Idiots EBAY CLUB – Laugh Out Loud at life

 

Let me introduce you to the characters, just to whet your appetite:

Mr. ANGRY

 

I sometimes get so angry I could throw the phone down.

But if you do that, there’s nobody there to get angry at.

So I always regret doing that.

I suppose it’s a bit like cutting off your nose – although I’ve never tried that.

BIG DICK

Just got back from the loo, again, to see that nasty little bugger had finished his speech.

Did I tell you he had a go at me for peeing up his alley once.

I doused him for that.

Best pee I’ve had for a long time.

Laughed that much I peed myself – again.

LAMB & LETTUCE

Before I could say, ‘You’re barred’, both Lamb and Lettuce stripped off to their undies, which happened to be matching lime green mankinis , and jumped in with the fish.

“Come and join us Darling Ebayers,” shouted Crispin.

“Come and get your twinkies chewed.”

DAFT DONALD

As I stand to attention, I probably present a rather sorry sight.

Sleeves rolled up, trousers rolled up, tunic actually touching my boots and completely hiding the trousers, my piece de resistance with their beautiful red stripe.

The huge bearskin continually falls down over my eyes, and the ceremonial sword is gouging enormous ruts into the highly polished village hall floor.

THE CLOTH & BONE MAN

I am Percival Pringle and I am the vicar of St John’s in the village.

I  have a penchant for buying bones.

The human skeleton intrigues me, although obviously not as much as the soul. ”Phew, think I got away with that one.

I held up a brand new skull that I had taken delivery of today. Well not brand new, obviously.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH

Hello and many pleasant greetings to you please.

My name is indeed David Attenborough and I am highly pleased for the opportunity to be in your company at this time.

A thousand times thank you to you all.

I am what you see, sir, and so is my iguana, my shy reptile from a black bin liner, which I had provided him with as a temporary home. Actually many people live in worse homes than this where I come from. Indeed, my brother Dickie is only one step up from this in Mumbai.

 

NORMA GREEN

When Lettuce tapped three times on the side, I popped slowly out of the cake, singing, “Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, Mr. President, happy birthday to you.”

I’m what is known as a lookalikee , and I buy things off Ebay to help me in my profession.

You know, giant birthday cakes, blond wigs, bright red lipsticks, candles in the wind, that sort of stuff.

 

MICKY FINN

I’m a bit like Robin Hood.

I relieve the rich of their ill gotten gains and make them my ill-gotten gains.

I redistribute to them who ain’t got no ill gotten wotsits, starting wiv meself.

LORD MARMITE

I could tell I had everyone’s attention, bless them.

I think it’s the accent.

I can’t help it. It’s just there.

Confounded nuisance really. I don’t bally well want it to set me apart.

Love people you see. All types, all colours. Just love ‘em.

SLY FOXY

I opened my case and pulled out a rather rusty old ladder that I had stumbled across in a skip just outside the village hall.

Could be that some painter and decorator had topped himself because there was also one of those furry paint rollers and an old painting dust-sheet.

Just what Micky Finn didn’t realize he needed.

OLD AGGIE

Twenty-four eyes stared at up at me in complete and utter admiration.

Bleedin’ suckers! I bought it so I could ring their doorbells and nick stuff off their washing lines and pour rat poison into their bird baths, before making a quick getaway. By the time those old geriatrics make it to their doors, I’m long gone. Nifty piece of kit this.

Even Big Dick was taken in. Makes a change, he’s normally taken short.

THE MAD PROFESSOR

I’m Professor Dawson and I’m an inventor.

I have built a rather special little person from bits and pieces.

I shall now unleash Sparky.

I open up his home, a huge cardboard carton, and ease him out. He now stands there in all his glory looking like an extremely intelligent Henry vacuum cleaner.

 

So, that’s it Folks. You’ve met the gang.

I’d love you to get to know them better.

You can download to your kindle or tablet now from  Amazon.com or Amazon.co.uk

Best wishes, as always, and I look forward to continuing to promote you all,