I Imagine That Today I Am to Die

The late Jesuit priest Anthony De Mello examined his conscience often and shared his system with others. His words are in italics:
I imagine that today I am to die.
I ask for time to be alone and write down for my friends a sort of testament for which the points that follow could serve as chapter titles.
1. These things I have loved in life:
            Things I tasted: Kansas City barbecue, seared scallops, medium rare steak, and ice cold             
            beer.
            Looked at: Beaches, mountains, canyons, prairies, my wife’s eyes that bounce around as                   
            they look into mine, and my children faces.
            Smelled: Cooking and canning, grilling, and the homes of loved ones who have passed.
            Heard: Laughter, waves on the beach, and all sorts of music.
            Touched: My wife, my children (especially their hair), my parents, grandparents, sister,             
            baseball bats, golf clubs, and garden plants.
2. These experiences I have cherished: Whitewater rafting, relaxing at the beach with my wife, our wedding, going to the Indy 500 with Dad and later Devil’s Tower with Mom, holding infants in my arms and gazing into their little faces.
3. These ideas have brought me liberation: My relationship with God defaults to “on.” God says “yes” to me in Jesus Christ.
4. These beliefs I have outgrown: My relationship with God defaults to “off.” People must perform to be accepted and loved.
5. These convictions I have lived by: Creation, fall, redemption, and new creation.
6. These are things I have lived for: Gospel of Jesus Christ, family, friends, and God’s gift of the arts.
7. These insights I have gained in the school of life:                        Insights into God: What it means for him to belove itself.
            The world: Ambivalence, because it’s one big beautiful mess.
            Human nature: Ambivalence, because we are one big beautiful mess.
            Jesus Christ: As his siblings we are one with him and are to look for him in others.
            Love: It is self-giving, so it opens us up to neediness. It’s not philanthropy.
            Religion: It involves our whole selves, bodies too. We are not the heads on sticks that             
            moderns liked to think we were.
            Prayer: Short and sweet prayers are just fine. It’s okay to be repetitive too.
8. These risks I took, these dangers I have courted: I drank and drove in my early twenties. I struggled with loneliness and turned to substances and lust to cope, instead of turning to God.
9. These sufferings have seasoned me: Losing three of my grandparents and my Dad in a span of a few years. Living for a year and a half while working meaningless entry-level jobs and facing perpetual rejection for what I hoped would be my vocation.
10. These lessons life has taught me: I’ve tried to stop assuming that I really know other people and can cast judgment on them, because when I look back at how tangents of my life would be were it not for God’s grace I could easily have ended up in prison, been lonely, and/or enslaved to idols. By definition grace is undeserved.
11. These influences have shaped my life (persons, occupations, books, events): my parents, grandparents, sister, and youth pastor growing up. My friends made in college. My assorted blue-collar and office jobs, so I suppose they weren’t all meaningless. I’ve read many books, but Ragamuffin Gospel and Suffering: A Test of Theological Method stand out as ones that have shaped me deeply.
12. These scripture texts have lit my path: Hebrews chapter 2, Colossians chapter 1, Philippians chapter 2, John chapter 1, and the Psalms.
13. These things I regret about my life: See risks and dangers above. I’ve never gone to Kenya with my wife.
14. These are my life’s achievements: Married for over ten years. Three kids and a hope to adopt one more. Serving as a pastor and a teacher.
15. These persons are enshrined within my heart: parents, grandparents, sister, pastors, friends and, of course, my wife and children.
16. These are my unfulfilled desires: Contentment with what is. Taking my family to Kenya.
I choose an ending for this document:            A poem-mine or someone else’s            Or a prayer,            Or a sketch,            Or a picture from a magazine,            A scripture text,            Or anything else I judge would be an apt conclusion to my testament
            Thanks God for sharing life with me and new life through Christ.
Consider filling out this exam yourself. Fill it out again in five years, ten years. What might change? As a pastor I often share the big picture of life, death, and resurrection with others, but my voice gets drowned by those who make money based on our fears, consumerism, and loneliness. Satan also holds us down by telling us to pretend we’re perfect when we are not. Instead of confessing our sins and being sinners, we are encouraged to fight our battles alone and often fail alone by "hanging on in quiet desperation" as Pink Floyd once sang.
When you take this exam you cannot help but conclude that your possessions do not matter at all and your accomplishments do not matter that much either. It is relationships that count. Which relationships in your life need attention? What are you going to about it?