Twitter: The real lost manual
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That’s right. There must be a lost manual for Twitter, where all the proper etiquette is spelled out. I say lost, because I’ve never seen it. Every blog post and book I’ve ever read about Twitter tells you to do the exact opposite of what the most successful people on Twitter are doing.
I’ve decided I should at least highlight some of what that lost manual must look like.
Before I do, I want to be clear. I don’t agree with any of what follows. It’s just obvious to me that way too many people think this is how it should be.
Okay. Here’s the gist of that lost manual.
Want to be successful on Twitter?
Be obnoxious. Talk about things you know nothing about. Make personal attacks on people you disagree with. Blurt out totally random things. Tweet incessantly about your favorite television show, movie, celebrity or song.
People will notice you if you do. And they’ll want to follow you. In droves.
The best thing you can do, however, is be famous. If you’re known for anything, use it. Doesn’t matter what you’re famous for, either. You could be that guy who played that guy who played a guy playing a guy. Guaranteed 10,000 followers, no problem. Make a cameo on some show, pop up in a commercial somewhere, post a Vine video, next thing you know, 10,000 more followers.
The very last thing you want to do is engage in any meaningful dialogue. Frivolity and frivolousness are the key. Keep it totally trivial, be indignant about anyone who might mock you, and people will love you for it.
After all, it’s all about who can get noticed for the least amount of effort. Profanity-laced tweets will do it. Racy photos. Nothing is too vain or too over-the-top. If it helps, get drunk first.
There are no experts. It’s your opinion that counts. Tear down with your 140-characters. Fight back if they try to drag you down. Touch off a Twitter war of epic proportions. You’ll get noticed. Tweeps will clamor to follow you.
Oh, I should mention that it helps a lot to be good looking. The prettier, the better. Your followers want selfies. Doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing. Brushing your teeth, eating, watching The Voice. People want to know every last mundane thing you do.
If you are good looking and famous, well, you’ll have them eating out of the palm of your hand, and your Twitter domination will be complete.
Be prolific. Have a Twitter program like TweetDeck or online browser-based subscription to HootSuite? Load ‘em up! Throw every last inane thing in there. Then, go back and delete what you just sent out and load ‘em up again!
The more you send, and the more it’s the same, the better.
Be awkward. Sound off at the smallest thing. Pick out throw away lines from movies and speeches and harp on those as if they were all there was.
Punk your followers with kidnapping ploys. Start your own RIP trending. Then, debunk them days later with pleas of privacy. Follow that up a week or so later with a shot of you in your underwear, sprawled out on the living room floor, watching reruns of Barney, surrounded by empty Taco Bell wrappers.
Best yet. Ignore everyone else. Never retweet or reply to anyone whoever tries to engage you, unless it’s to trash them. Don’t follow others. Self-promotion alone is the key. Everyone else, they’re just cannon fodder to your greatness, baby.
