A right to bear arms and shoot people? No, no, no!

I am so tired of hearing Breaking News that another testosterone-poisoned
madman has picked up guns and ammunition and shot (a) people going to work,
(b) children and teachers at school, (c) a member of congress meeting and
greeting her constituents, (d) people in a movie theater, (d) soldiers
and sailors on and off-duty, (e) little kids who happen to live in dangerous
urban neighborhoods, and (f) anyone else. There are not enough solemn moments
of silence led by government officials too cowardly to stand up to the
gun lobby to even come close to making up for the gun deaths and terror
caused by guys with guns.




I suppose I’m an extremist about guns. I believe they should all be melted
down and the metal turned into statues of artists and playwrights and authors
and philosophers. I believe that all bullets should be emptied and refilled
with grass and flower seeds and distributed to anyone who wants to plant
them. I believe that we should stop glamorizing men with guns. Like heroic
(and antiheroic) cowboys, sheriffs, marshals, and outlaws. Oxymoronic noble
warriors. Glamorized gangsters, godfathers, and G-men. Big, violent, action
figures in explosive movies and video combat games.




I believe we should either repeal the Second Amendment or pay closer attention
to the part that says “a well regulated militia.” I take that to mean the
Founding Fathers had in mind sensible, enforceable laws about guns and
the people that use them. I’m pretty sure they didn’t intend the amendment
to be a license for deranged men to shoot people. And a militia is an army,
not cantankerous loners running around playing soldier or superhero.




I believe that we should build a new set of really strong stocks (iron,
not wood) and put Wayne LaPierre in the stocks. Feed him regularly and
give him bathroom facilities, but don’t let him out.
Ever. Take the stocks with Wayne in them to the Navy Yard in Washington
and let people talk to him. Take Wayne to Newtown and let mothers and fathers
talk to him. Take him to Aurora, to Tucson, to Columbine, and to all the
other sites of mass shootings by troubled young men and let people talk
to him. Make sure he listens. (Give him listening lessons if necessary.)

Turn the NRA into a new kind of PTA (but NOT on the Texas model) where
parents and teachers consider and discuss the effects of “gun education”
and turn “gun education” into humanities education that covers literature,
mathematics, history, and the arts, classes in most of which have been
defunded by cretins who think we need to guns to protect us from our government.
Take Wayne to visit Jim and Sarah Brady. Take hm to visit Gabby Giffords
and Mark Kelly. Let them have long, thoughtful, courteous conversations.

Give gun dealers new jobs. They could be medical assistants (so they can
see what a bullet does to a human body). They could get construction jobs
and repair bridges and highways and wrecked buildings. They could, for
example, work in and on Detroit.




Retool all the factories of all the manufacturers of guns so they’re building
affordable housing, plowshares (i.e., tractors and combines), and desks
for schoolchildren. This may not require all the employees of all the gun
manufacturers, so send the rest of the employees out with the gun dealers
to repair bridges. They can also be employed to help people whose homes
have been lost in floods, fires, and hurricanes. Turn shooting ranges into
fields in which to grow wheat and corn or parks where people can relax
and play in safety.




Take guns away from hunters. Who needs an assault rifle to kill a deer?
If people still want to go hunting, give them bags of rocks to throw at
the animals. Endangered species will no doubt appreciate this. When they’re
not being shot at and slaughtered, endangered species will reach a point
where they’re no longer in danger of being eradicated from the earth.




Take guns away from children of all ages who feel they have to join gangs
to (a) feel safe, (b) have friends, (c) have something to do with their
empty days because they’re not in school. Send the disarmed gang members
to volunteer for the Red Cross, Americans for the Arts, and other useful
organizations. Send them to work for Goodwill and food pantries and hospices.
Send them to clean the beach or pick up trash in our national parks. Send
them to work as companions for people with Alzheimer’s disease or cancer,
for old people and young children who need help to live and function in
a complex world.

We can also teach people who have used guns to commit crimes to act or
sing or dance. It’s been done! There’s a splendid DVD called
Shakespeare Behind Bars  that shows prisoners in Kentucky learning
important lessons while learning and performing
The Tempest. There’s also an excellent book titled
Shakespeare Behind Bars: The Power of Drama in a Women’s Prison. 
The lessons of these programs can be expanded to other groups of people.
Guys, put down your guns and learn to act.

Yes, I’m an extremist about guns. I know that while most Americans believe
that guns should be better regulated, our representative and senators are
too intimidated by Wayne and the gun lobby to vote for sensible laws. I’d
like to live in an ideal world where people are equal and not hungry, where
women earn as much as men in any given job, and where no one has to live
under a freeway overpass. And I really do believe gun ownership should
be well regulated. That’s why I regularly send money to the
Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, to
Americans for Responsible Solutions, and to
Mayors Against Illegal Guns. I hope you’ll send them money, too.