The answer

Why am I feeling restless? Wish I had the answer. Would some introspection help? Maybe, maybe not. But I guess I am too afraid the face the mirror. I know it will reveal the shortcoming, follies, the dark circles and the fine creases. The patches and the pimples I have been trying to hide all this while.
Have a failed as a traveller? Has my doctrine, my belief, my whole existence gone for a toss? Have I failed my own self?  Come on, don’t be so hard on yourself, I comfort the man in me. But the man has been with me for ages. So has the woman…the sissy side of me.  We all have one. The whimpering, cribbing, fault finding side. The one which is never tired of complaining, bitching.
What do I want to do? What makes me happy? Well, wish I had an answer to that one? Let me re-phrase the question, maybe it will help. What makes me happy? Do I know what is happiness, I ask my self.  Damn! I curse out loud. I am the one who writes on happiness, lectures the uninitiated souls, deciphering happiness for them. But do I know the answer? Maybe, in bits and pieces I do. But do I have the complete picture? I mean do I have the puzzle solved? I doubt.
There were times when strumming the guitar was the source of my joy, or just watching a crappy Bollywood flick, the bottle of Old Monk. Times changed. Playing the creator gave me high. Of a song, a headline, maybe even a dish. I loved it and ensured that people read, savored and appreciated my creation. I even went to the extent of writing novels, poetries, FB updates and what not. Still the vacuum persisted.  Gym and then off it, drinking like a fish to being a coffee addict, rock buff to Indian classical, yoga, meditation, Gods, Gurus and what not. However, the answer still eludes. 
It’s all in the mind. Bull shit, I know it. But then why cant my mind process it for me? Am I stupid, a complete moron? Who knows? Would I be happy being SRK or Beckham? I have no clue. Am I happy essaying the role I am into? I don’t know. 
Spiderman, Superman, even Iron Man would have done.  Yes, I wish if I had some super powers. To fly, to disappear, turning people into dust, eating and spitting fire, oblivious to pain, winning every time. On second thought, maybe I wanted to be someone like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs. The God of tech. Aint tech for nerds?
What about being a no body? But I guess I am playing the same. Ain’t I? Faceless, clueless, aimless, just like a rolling stone.  Time to sort out my confusion. Are you feeling the same? I mean , confused? You figure it too. Adios.