Dare me to kiss that man in exchange for cake?
My sister is back from Ghana. I love her, she is beautiful, good fun and it's great to catch up with her. She is also very annoying, and after 24 hours in her company I tend to switch off. Just agree with her and she will shut up, my inner voice is unnerved by her blatant honesty of the world. And she steals my wine and cigarettes. but that's OK, because, she keeps reminding me, I am a corporate whore. I work with other corporate slaves. She is lucky, she doesn't need two weeks a year to escape from her life, she tells me as she reaches over to take another Marlboro from my packet. I tell her I am sure there was some loose change in my bag earlier and she looks at me wide eyed. I haven't stolen your money she whispers but I know that look.
So we spend the day wandering around York with my two small children, the Boy and Goblin. I am still nursing a hangover from the beer festival, and her words of "wisdom" soak through me.
"We need to go to Nandos" she states, quickly followed by "But you will have to pay".
I sigh, I have never been to Nandos, it's really not my scene, like Pizza Express. More importantly I don't take the Goblin anywhere she has to sit still for longer than five minutes. When the boy was that age we made a point of taking him out for dinner, in the hope it would educate him. It resulted in tense dinners spent attempting to control a slippery, noisy octopus with an obsession for Parma Ham. Don't get me wrong, we have taken my son to some of the best restaurants in Europe now, but not Goblin. She's at that difficult age, but with that glint in her eye and her ability to tantrum constantly, well we just don't go out in public anymore.
"It's OK, I will help" my sister is just desperate for Nandos chicken and I let her talk me into it. An hour later, my chicken is barely touched. My five year old son announces he doesn't like the chicken and the littlest one just screams at the sight of it. Unimpressed at being tied up in the high chair, she starts to make feral sounds. Aware that she is annoying the other customers with her growling and squealing I give up and escape the plastic surroundings, in favour of the York Food Festival.
My sister is delirious at this point and I leave her to polish off the leftovers. A child in each hand, I wander happily down to the tempting stalls of food. Goblins temper is pushed to the limits as I ponder the freshly smoked kippers and she can bare it no longer.
She throws herself onto the floor. Meanwhile, the boy sees the crepes and Nutella stall.
"I just want Nutella mummy" he repeats, oblivious to his sisters inhuman reaction. People walk past, old women don't even tut, they comment - "oh dear" and "she looks like a handful". I too want to walk past, I pick her up but the wriggling becomes an uncontrollable battle. Eventually, I have no choice but to grab her by the hand while she is still screaming and walk away. One small child covered in Nutella and the other hung off my arm like a deranged creature from a fantasy woodland.
I eventually get back to the car and fasten the children into their seats. The only place where they are truly controllable - a car seat and the promise of chocolate cake. My sister appears, like she has been secretly following me, or more likely she can smell the cake. We sit in the car.
It only take a moment for her to notice the hot man sat in the adjacent vehicle. She winds the window down and stares across at him, catching his eye. Poor guy, he's probably just waiting for his girlfriend to return from M&S on a Saturday afternoon. He looks away and my sister giggles.
"He is hot. Dare me to offer him my cake in exchange for a kiss". she says in a voice which is just too loud. "do you think he would kiss me, here in this car park right now?" He hears her and has only what I can describe as fear in his eyes, why he doesn't just drive off is lost to me.
I cant bear it any longer and I drive away, he catches my eye and I just hope I never have to bump into him. What must he have thought? two women, with two small children in the back blatantly discussing his possible seduction. I look back at my children, the boy is happily engrossed in his chocolate cake, while the goblin is silently giggling in glee. God help me.
So we spend the day wandering around York with my two small children, the Boy and Goblin. I am still nursing a hangover from the beer festival, and her words of "wisdom" soak through me.
"We need to go to Nandos" she states, quickly followed by "But you will have to pay".
I sigh, I have never been to Nandos, it's really not my scene, like Pizza Express. More importantly I don't take the Goblin anywhere she has to sit still for longer than five minutes. When the boy was that age we made a point of taking him out for dinner, in the hope it would educate him. It resulted in tense dinners spent attempting to control a slippery, noisy octopus with an obsession for Parma Ham. Don't get me wrong, we have taken my son to some of the best restaurants in Europe now, but not Goblin. She's at that difficult age, but with that glint in her eye and her ability to tantrum constantly, well we just don't go out in public anymore.
"It's OK, I will help" my sister is just desperate for Nandos chicken and I let her talk me into it. An hour later, my chicken is barely touched. My five year old son announces he doesn't like the chicken and the littlest one just screams at the sight of it. Unimpressed at being tied up in the high chair, she starts to make feral sounds. Aware that she is annoying the other customers with her growling and squealing I give up and escape the plastic surroundings, in favour of the York Food Festival.
My sister is delirious at this point and I leave her to polish off the leftovers. A child in each hand, I wander happily down to the tempting stalls of food. Goblins temper is pushed to the limits as I ponder the freshly smoked kippers and she can bare it no longer.
She throws herself onto the floor. Meanwhile, the boy sees the crepes and Nutella stall.
"I just want Nutella mummy" he repeats, oblivious to his sisters inhuman reaction. People walk past, old women don't even tut, they comment - "oh dear" and "she looks like a handful". I too want to walk past, I pick her up but the wriggling becomes an uncontrollable battle. Eventually, I have no choice but to grab her by the hand while she is still screaming and walk away. One small child covered in Nutella and the other hung off my arm like a deranged creature from a fantasy woodland.
I eventually get back to the car and fasten the children into their seats. The only place where they are truly controllable - a car seat and the promise of chocolate cake. My sister appears, like she has been secretly following me, or more likely she can smell the cake. We sit in the car.
It only take a moment for her to notice the hot man sat in the adjacent vehicle. She winds the window down and stares across at him, catching his eye. Poor guy, he's probably just waiting for his girlfriend to return from M&S on a Saturday afternoon. He looks away and my sister giggles.
"He is hot. Dare me to offer him my cake in exchange for a kiss". she says in a voice which is just too loud. "do you think he would kiss me, here in this car park right now?" He hears her and has only what I can describe as fear in his eyes, why he doesn't just drive off is lost to me.
I cant bear it any longer and I drive away, he catches my eye and I just hope I never have to bump into him. What must he have thought? two women, with two small children in the back blatantly discussing his possible seduction. I look back at my children, the boy is happily engrossed in his chocolate cake, while the goblin is silently giggling in glee. God help me.
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