Totally Personal Response to "23 Things Every Woman Should Stop Doing"

Here is this woman's quirky, personal response to Emma Gray's trending article, "23 Things Every Woman Should Stop Doing": how I measure up, plus some general thoughts...

1. Stop apologizing all the time.

Well, pretty much stop doing anything "all the time," but yeah, I agree women generally do this more than men and it hurts us.

But how much one should apologize is a matter of culture rather than abstract truth (ex. Japanese culture uses apology more than American culture), so the problem is not really that women apologize too much but that our society considers the more masculine apology style to be more empowered. One could as easily say men should apologize more; it might be a more sensitive society.

2. Saying "yes" to everyone else.

I'm working on this. It's a hard balance, and not just for women: partly because our society is always telling us (all of us) to take on more and be more productive.

3. Saying "no" to yourself.

Again, for myself, I agree: I have succumbed in my life to artificial limits placed on myself. I'm working on believing I can do it, even though "it" involves becoming a female filmmaker in a male-dominated field.

4. Viewing food as the enemy.

I view food as the friend! Mm, pumpkin whoopie pie.

5. Body-snarking.

I agree with this! I don't do it much yet probably still too much.

6. Feeling like an impostor when you accomplish something professionally.

Yep. I have this tendency, and I agree we need to challenge it. However, it is partly a spillover of modesty and uninflated self-perspective, which are GOOD things. Our society rewards people (differentially men) who are overly self-confident and self-inflated, which not only distorts who, by merit, should have power (in business, in politics, etc.) but also creates a vicious cycle in which selfishness and lack of accurate self-perspective are allowed to perpetuate social ills. So while, yes, women should feel comfortable owning our own accomplishments, all of us (women and men) should show greater respect to those who keep themselves and their contributions in perspective with credit due to others and realistic self-analysis.

7. Obsessively untagging every "unflattering" photo of you that ever existed online.

I have succeeded in stopping doing this in the sense that it has never crossed my mind to do it.

8. Comparing your real life to someone else's virtual one.

Good advice for men, women, and children, and cats.



9. Holding on to regrets and guilt.

I dislike this kind of pop psychology. There's a truth here. Yes, women are too often encouraged to have low self-esteem and take on more guilt and regret than is healthy. But our guilts and regrets are as personal and varied as we are. They exist for an infinity of different reasons and in different ways. No soundbite can tell us how we should address some of the most complicated aspects of our individuals lives. When I hear this sort of line, I feel like I'm being preached at by Sybok.

10. Wearing heels every day.

There are people who wear heels every day?? I gave up on heels midway through high school. Some people still wear them. I don't get it.

11. Judging other women's sex lives.

My immediate response to this is: ??? Why would I possibly care about another woman's sex life?

12. Judging your own sex life.

Ah now, this I agree with. In fact, I agree with no. 11 too. Our society is far too concerned with labeling a very tiny range of human sexuality as "normal." I really hope we all get over it soon.

13. Trying to be "chill."

I think I tried to be chill once. It was in the first couple of days of seventh grade. It was exhausting and a complete failure. I gave up on it after that.

14. Fearing the label "crazy."

I kind of love the label "crazy." Seriously, though, that's because I'm a misfit geek and we tend to own things like that. I have never really had it deployed against me as in "you're just a crazy woman," and I would hate that very much. But it would be the speaker's problem, not mine.

15. WebMDing everything.

Hm, have I ever WebMD-ed anything?

16. Worrying that your life doesn't look like Pinterest.

I barely know what Pinterest is. And I kind of wish it didn't exist just because I'm already quite overwhelmed enough by Facebook, Google+, Tumblr, Twitter, etc.

17. Fearing being alone.

Okay, I'm really tired of this one. Being alone -- feeling alone -- is one of the worst things that can happen to any human being. No, not the worst, but it's pretty high up on the list. Think about being emotionally alone. Frankenstein's monster is alone. The Phantom of the Opera is alone. No sane person would want to be them, even in a less exacting, metaphorical way.

There's a tiny percentage of the human race who are natural hermits, who feel okay being by themselves in a monastery or a cabin the woods, etc. The more power to them, but humans are a social species. We always have been.

Women raised in the feminist age (roughly 1960s on) are constantly being told not to fear being alone (while simultaneously being told that we're only valid as people if we have a man). Telling us not to fear being alone is telling us not to be human. Of all of the ridiculously unrealistic expectations placed on women this is very likely the most ridiculous and unrealistic. Please stop telling me to be inhuman and have an impossible psyche. As a woman, I get enough of that from Victorian literature. I don't need it in the 21st century too.

Now, to say that we can be un-alone in ways that don't involve finding a traditional, monogamous, romantic partner is a different kettle of fish. To invite us to find love and community with friends, with family, with non-sexual relationships, with intentional communities, with polyamorous relationships, etc. is all very well and good, and our society desperately needs more reinforcement of that message, especially in our narratives.

But by making the only alternative to the classic romantic partner "being alone," Gray plays right into the old disempowering stereotype.

18. Being in relationships for the sake of having a relationship.

Yes, we should not do this. But when the only alternative we're told we have is "being alone," because having friends and family apparently doesn't count, we are more likely to.

19. Not taking advantage of vacation days.

Every American, take advantage of your vacation days! You have few enough.

20. Holding on to toxic friendships.

Yep, don't do this.

21. Spending time with people out of obligation.

I agree with Gray's description of this: it's a call for balance really. I'll only add that we do have social obligations (men, women, children, all of us). And we do need to meet them sometimes, even if we don't want to. But, yes, we need to meet them with balance and not try to be all things to all people.

22. Being embarrassed about your interests.

I recently re-blogged my essay on the pregnancy motif in Mirage of Blaze -- and I've apparently just admitted to it again. I think I'm over this one.

23. Setting deadlines for major life events.

I'm happy to say that the older I get, the less I do this. It's not easy to stop doing when life is so brief. But she's right that little good comes from it.