Site To See: Does the Dog Die?

I love io.9 because it tells me so many interesting things, but the most vital link it’s given me lately is to a much-needed movie review site called Does the Dog Die? which mostly consists of one or two line reviews like

Raiders of the Lost Ark: A capuchin monkey that the main characters treat as a pet is killed when it eats poisoned dates. Reggie the pet Burmese python is not harmed but a number of venomous wild snakes are set on fire.

See, that’s the kind of thing you need to know, although I’d have mentioned that the cute monkey was a Nazi spy. Also those snakes in the pit? I could spare them.

However, some times I think they’re too understated:

Old Yeller: Yes the dog dies. He’s shot by his owner after contracting rabies.

which I think shows a great deal of self-restraint on the part of the reviewer since I would have written

Old Yeller: Yes the dog dies; he’s shot by the kid who loves him after the dog contracts rabies saving said kid’s life and WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, WALT, I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD AND THAT MOVIE HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY, YOU MISERABLE, DOG-HATING SON OF A BITCH, I SINCERELY HOPE YOU’RE NOW IN A COLD, DARK PLACE WITHOUT ANY KIND OF FIERCELY LOYAL AND LOVING THING, FUCK THE AFTERLIFE FOR YOU, YOU HEARTLESS DALEK BASTARD.

Mostly, it’s just good to get the head’s up because of the number of screenwriters who kill the dog because they can’t seem to tug on the heartstrings any other way, not understanding that that’s not tugging on the heartstrings, that’s pouring kerosene over the heartstrings and then lighting a slow flame that will spread throughout the nervous system causing screaming pain that will last for FIFTY-SEVEN YEARS AND BEYOND, YOU SADISTIC DICKHEADS.

Also Cujo. Jesus.

Does the Dog Die?: Highly recommended.