Can You Beat BP's Ridiculous "Reports from the Gulf"?

Can you top the writing and reporting of BP flack Paula Kolmar? Drop your "reports" into the comments!

Among the various PR efforts that BP is engaged in, they've apparently sent out a "reporter" to file missives about the company's efforts to stem the Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill.

And what "Paula Kolmar" is writing tips well over the line of self-parody, into some kind of bizarro world where bullshit smells like puppies and champagne--and where cleaning up the oil spill while being slathered...