I am not Jen Hatmaker

As it turns out I am not Jen Hatmaker. I am not Sarah Bessey.I am not Glennon Melton.I am not Meg, Shannan, Ashley, Lisa or Ann or Ree.I am not The Nester.

I have not purchased a funky dream house on dream property with a funky dream barn.I do not have my own show coming soon on HGTV.I have not adopted children from AfricaKoreaNextStateOver.I don't have any tattoos.I don't wear glasses. Not even cool ones.I don't homeschool.I haven't lost fifty pounds or overcome alcoholism or anorexia.I don't have dreadlocks.I don't have enough kids to make up a sports team. (Well, maybe Doubles Tennis.)My blog isn't edgy.My book isn't a New York Times Best Seller.Anne Lamott doesn't know I exist.Dayspring hasn't offered me a licensing deal.Everyone in my family is white.
And I hate it. I really do. I am not even going to lie and say that I don't. I am not going to pretend that I am never jealous of families that adopt. That I don't look longingly at every family that has a rainbow of children trailing behind them. That I don't have to give myself a pep talk before reading a blog post about someones new farm or new dream house or new life adventure. That I never look at my Sweet Man and wish he was just a little more comfortable in front of a camera, a little more open to risk, a little bit better with chaos. That I never wish I was just flat out cooler in certain circles. 
Some days -many days -I manage to push this way down. I manage to walk in the light and choose  gratefulness and contentment and joy.
And then there are other days. The ones that I would rather not speak of.Because here is the truth:
See that list up there? That is my list. This list is what Keeping Up with the Jones looks like to me. In my heart, this is the ladder I want to climb.And it is dark and black and ugly. 
And yes some of these things are good, some are even noble.  Adopting kids for instance. That's a great thing. But as Jen will remind me, time and time again, adoption is not something you do because you are "into adoption." Adoption is something you do "because you are into parenting."
So this thing, this black, selfish, thief-of-joy thing, it's not about the kids or parenting.It's about ME. It's about wanting to be cool. Noticed. Acclaimed. Liked. Promoted. To be popular among all the "right" people.To complete some picture in my head that has nothing to do with being made in the image of Christ, and everything to do with being made in the image of The Cool Kids.
Ick. Seriously. I am grossing myself out even talking about it.But it's true y'all. It's so true.
And it is so unfair to Jen, and Sarah and Glennon and Ann. What right do I have to take and twist their lives into idols for my own? How is comparing my journey to Shannan's, and Meg's and Ashely's showing them love?  How is coveting The Nester's wonderful new home and property showing her love? The answer is obvious. It's not.
I think we can safely say that putting other humans on pedestals is a toxic epidemic in our current culture. Whether it is our pastor, our neighbor, our favorite blogger, politician, or celebrity, our hearts - my heart - is so easily eaten up with idolatry for those whom I think have it all together. Who have what I think I want. 
When will I stop thinking in terms of Me and Them and Everyone Else?  Them being those who have what I want. Everyone Else being those whose opinion I do not regard as highly. Whose lives I do not want to emulate, or even really notice. The ones I look straight past, searching for the acceptance of Them. And Me, of course, being Me, Me, and Me. All the damn time.
When will I think in terms of Christ. In terms of Love. In terms of His Love?Where there is no famous or not-famous. No average or popular or uncool. No successful or marketable or profitable.
I think I am ready. Lord, help me.
 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
1 Corinthians 13

  Peace my friends-here is to loving moreJ