Stubbornness

People have the strangest expression on their face when they hear you've been abused. At first, it's sort of like they swallowed a bug: the eyes glaze, the expression freezes but doesn't quite hide the dismay, the momentary pause before launching into speech which is either mesmerized or resistant. It's a taboo subject that polite society shuns, so when a person openly discusses it, society is a bit flabbergasted. One of the reasons I wrote FREAK is to show that no matter what kind of self destructive moron you've been in the past, you can still discover the realization that you deserve to be happy. And actually believe it. We hear kind folk reassuring us of this every day but we certainly don't believe them. It has to come from within, and insecurity is going to throw everything in the book at you to stop that from happening. We're far too choice a meal ticket for it to give us up without a fight. We're addicted to our own insecurity, and will aid and abett its flourishing inside every inch of us. So tell it to fuck off. You're in this healing thing for the long haul, and nothing is going to stop you. Not cruel people, not triggering scents or sounds, not even your own vicious inner voice.

You're an expert at misery. You know how to be crushed, drained and desiccated by sorrow, shame and rage. This is familiar territory. Hope is what's terrifying. We're all about "what ifs:" what if it doesn't work, what if I fail, what if I become happy and lose it? Do it anyway. Try, and keep trying, past the disbelief, past the self derision, the anger, the panic, the self mutilation. Perseverance and sheer stubbornness is key. You've already tried self hatred and it's been an abject failure. Try self love. It takes time, a long time, but it worked for me. If you keep at it, it'll work for you.

Love, R
Freak: The True Story of an Insecurity Addict