Flatcap Flying

It’s a stressful time at Festung Flatcap. Eight o’clock Sunday morning and I’m tearing about like a lunatic making sure everything is as it should be… and it isn’t.

This time tomorrow, while you lot are crawling out of bed ready to face another gruelling week at the coalface, Her Indoors and Flatcap will be at 30-something thousand feet jetting southeast-ish for a week of sun, sand and s… sangria.

Yes, Flatcap is off to Benidorm.

Why Benidorm? Well, every other resort in Spain, the Canary Islands, the Balaerics and Balkans has suffered and I see no reason why Benidorm should get away with it any longer. Also, we’ve never been to Benidorm. I’ve spent years purposely avoiding Benidorm. But Her Indoors insisted, and I’m a good husband. I do as I’m told and take it out on the rest of the world.

Benidorm, I’m told, has much to offer. There’s a bar every five yards, and you can buy specialist cocktails called Leg Openers. I’m thinking of trying one on Her Indoors, but I don’t expect any spectacular results. Last year, in Majorca, she wanted Sex On The Beach, but the barman didn’t know how it was done, so she end up with an Orgasm, and she complained that there was too much Cointreau in it.

I’ve checked out the hotel where we’re staying. I’m not suggesting it’s downmarket, but the pictures did remind me of Walton Nick’s D wing.

“You should feel at home, then,” said Her Indoors.

There’s plenty of entertainment nearby. And there will be additional shows, such as watching Flatcap trying to find the right key when he’s pissed out of his brains.

It’s an awkward time to be going away, what with Costa del Murder doing so well in the Crooked Cat End of Summer, Start of Autumn sale (bet you thought I wouldn’t have the balls to sneak a quick ad in there.) But we’ve taken all the necessary precautions and let the police know that we’re away and two teenagers will be living on their own for a week. That way I don’t get blamed when I get back.

This is the last entry until we get back next week, and that’s assuming the kids and grandkids haven’t burned the house to the ground, in which case, you could have to wait a while longer.

So until then, be good. If you can’t be good, be careful. If you can’t be careful, try doing jigsaw puzzles instead.