Bermudababble Week Seventeen

Ok – so The Major was badgering me to go into the sea. The beach was peaceful and un-crowded with just a few couples dotting the gently sloping, pink sand, reading or catching the rays. They all looked very chic, the kind of couples who had matching beach towels and had packed melon in ice. Unlike me, who had stuffed all my beach ware in a Tesco bag for life and had an empty Fanta bottle full of water that had gone a bit warm.

‘It’s fine,’ he coaxed, ‘No one is looking at you and there are no creepy crawlies, just come in for a dip!’

“I think I was actually meant to be born in the 1800’s! “

Well as any of you who are less than body confident will know, to walk across the sand in my cossie, swim and walk back again takes a lot.  I spend the best part of my life pulling a t-shirt over my bum and doing up my top button to make sure I am covered – I can hear the tuts from here and trust me, its nothing its do with how I look or my size, it’s how it makes me feel and I have always been this way. I think I was actually meant to be born in the 1800’s!

So, I decided to go for it, it took a few days of mental preparation but I was ready to take the plunge! I put on my bikini and walked down to the shore.

‘That’s it! Nearly there!’ He encouraged from the warm water.

I swear to God it was like a movie set and as my foot touched the water someone shouted ‘Action!’ a HUGE wave knocked me off my feet. I landed face down and swallowed a bucketful of sea!  I tried to stand up, when a second wave knocked me sideways. I screamed, I swore, I swallowed half the ocean. There was a lump of seaweed in my hair bigger than the Sargasso mat and my bikini bottoms were FULL of sand. I looked like a toddler at the end of the day at nursery with a lazy assistant. The Major tried to help, but its difficult to fully assist when you are doubled over in the sea p*ssing yourself with laughter. Cheers for that.

I shan’t ever forget the looks of disgust from some of the beach couples who shook their heads at me in shame as they nibbled on a rice cake.  It got worse, a few minutes later, I started spewing seawater onto the sand and it came out of my nose! I cried very loudly and some of them actually packed up and left, fearful I think of what I might do for an encore!

I was recovering from my shame when the Tropical Storm hit. It was rather cosy, huddled up in paradise with wind and rain lashing the windows and making the lights flicker, all very Woman in Black. It’s been like that for a couple of days but the sunshine has returned today, enabling The Major and I to take to the road on the hog! (It sounds and looks like a hairdryer – the shame of travelling on this funky moped, which we have named Maureen, is nearly as great as having my arse exposed on the beach!) I shall take photos and put them up somewhere.

Despite the lure of the beach and the temptation to explore, I have been writing for about fourteen hours a day and am loving my current novel. It has made me laugh and cry, a good sign I think! Have you seen the new website? I am so chuffed with it.  www.amandaprowse.org for those that have yet to click on it, there’s a sign-up thingy for news and bits and bobs from Head of Zeus and there are some very exciting things in the pipeline!

“…then I was met by a gigantic chicken who was very shouty and very stompy….”

Animals and creepy crawlies have featured highly this week, you all know about my shower pets; I now have laundry pets too! A bunch of blue bodied, green tailed mini lizards that want to live on top of my washing machine. I find if I scream they usually run away and if they don’t, I do – it’s worked so far! And then I was met by a gigantic chicken who was very shouty and very stompy and couldn’t see why she had to leave the hallway, she thought maybe it was me that should vacate the space and looked at me with a kind of, I was here first face! I’ve nicknamed her Tulisa.

I miss my friends, my kids, my family and a cockroach free bathroom, not necessarily in that order, but we have settled. You know things are ok when you have a buss pass and know at least 3 people on the route. Bus friends make the world a better place.

I send you love.

My new hobby is waving more – feel free to join me.

Mandy x

 

©Amanda Prowse – all enquiries PFD ajhughes@pfd.co.uk. +44 (0)20 7344 1084