"Stop putting holes in my ship!"
Wherein Jack doesn't really care about your lonely soul.
It is well known that most authors are not social creatures. Most live in upgraded caves with electrical lights which they don't use as often as they should. When they do use lights it is usually a dim lamp which is kept on late at night. Authors are creatures of the night. They like to stay up till midnight or later. They don't eat very often, so they are pretty easy to take care of. When they get in bad moods or depressed the best thing to do is stand three feet away and throw chocolate at them, this is a scientifically proven method. Even though authors are easy to take care of they do not make good pets. Mostly because you never see them. They don't like to leave their caves.
If you EVER see an author at a party consider yourself lucky. This is a very rare occurrence. It is advised that, if you do see an author in public you should speak softly and keep a safe distance or you risk frightening them off.
Many have risked their lives to find out why authors are like this. After much exploration and dangerous expeditions into author caves, an answer has been found.
Authors, it is now known, spend all of their time making up friends. These friends, though unseen by anyone but the author, become best friends to this shy, unsociable creature. Very often, they are the authors only companion - unless said author has adopted a cat, which is more common than you might think.
But, as I was saying, these unseen friends are very often the only people authors associate with. They become very close to them, creating a bond few understand. (Even our new studies have yet to explain this bond.) They best they have come to explaining it as that it is like the bond of a best loved sibling or spouse.
Yet, because of the delicate nature of these unseen friends, and the constant danger they are placed in, a lot of them die. It has been proven that these deaths are very hard on the authors. They are thrust into deep stages of grief which are, in many cases, impossible to pull out of.
Authors handle this grief differently. Most of them become even more anti social. They sometimes will go out to buy food, but when they do they hide under hoodies so that they do not have to look anyone in the eye. They run in, buy their chocolate and tea, and run back to their caves.
However, in many cases, the grief leads to different forms of insanity. Each author is effected differently, but in the end, most are driven insane by their sorrow.
Scientists were shocked to discover, in resent studies, that - blinded by their grief and unable to coop with their lonely lives - authors have taken on new means of consoling themselves. Their most radical ways? Passing on their sorrow, insanity, and anti-social ways to another cave-like creature called the reader.
Unlike the author, the reader is often seen outside, sitting under trees, on park benches, or in restaurants. It is impossible to say what these readers look like as their faces are always hidden behind books. But, it is now common knowledge that readers are also a shy being which do not like to attend parties and are most happy with a book in their hands.
Readers thrive on the creation of authors. It shapes their whole existence. On rare occasions readers gather together, like animals of the Savannah, at bookstores to gawk in amazement over their favourite author. (I don't think I need to tell you what a trail these events are on the elusive author.) These are really the only social events which readers attend. Even though readers are easier to spot it is advised one avoid them as much as one avoids the author. A reader spooks easily and if startled out of a book can turn violent. It is best to remain quiet around a reader and not approach it at all.
And now that I have explained these wonderful creatures, I shall move back to my point.
As I mentioned, readers are more inclined to be social than the author, but because of the new levels of insanity which authors have reached, they have determined to pass it on to their readers. Now, aided by their grief, they not only kill characters, they come up with new, heartbreaking ways in which to do it. The deeper they can inflict hurt on the reader the better.
Why, you might be asking. Why bring so much misery to the authors one means of support? Well, that is simple. Authors are vengeful. They feel that, if they must suffer, so must the reader. They also wish to make the reader as shy and elusive as they themselves are.
And, as shocking as this news might be, it is even worse. Proven studies have shown that the authors are succeeding in their evil polys. All over the world, readers are falling to new levels of insanity. They are rarely seen now and when they are they are often found sitting in a puddle of their own tears.
Now, I am sure some of you doubt me, but we have proof. All over the internet - the one last place readers and authors can be found - all sorts of insanity is cropping up.
Examples.
THIS LINK
THIS LINK
Readers are now so grief stricken they are making jokes while crying their eyes out. They just don't know how to handle it and are slowly being driven mad.
They are also starting to speak in one word sentences, which shows how far their minds are slipping. They say things like, This. So much accurate. True Story. OTP. I can't. And so forth...(I have not been able to find all of them, but I am sure you will be able to recall some.)
You might now be asking if authors have any evil scheme behind all of this, I mean other than the ones mentioned. To that I have an answer.
A colleague of mine has very strong reason to believe authors are planning on taking over the world. He says that the plan is to draw all of the readers out, then when they have amassed a large enough army they will rise up against business men and stuff them all into dungeons. (They already have a fairly large army with the Sherlock fandom alone.) Evidence for this is shown in the shocking rise of terrible cliff hangers and TV series which have been ending in death.
Examples are: Percy Jackson Merlin Sherlock Holmes Harry Potter Doctor Who Supernatural Les Miserables The Legend of Korah And the list is forever being added to.
At this point in time it is believed there is no cure for this insanity and all one can do is sit back in their offices and declare, "Not my division."
Written by your friendly neighborhood Spiderman in disguise.
Published through Paris Flash.
(Quote is from Pirates of the Caribbean.)
Allons-y!
It is well known that most authors are not social creatures. Most live in upgraded caves with electrical lights which they don't use as often as they should. When they do use lights it is usually a dim lamp which is kept on late at night. Authors are creatures of the night. They like to stay up till midnight or later. They don't eat very often, so they are pretty easy to take care of. When they get in bad moods or depressed the best thing to do is stand three feet away and throw chocolate at them, this is a scientifically proven method. Even though authors are easy to take care of they do not make good pets. Mostly because you never see them. They don't like to leave their caves.
If you EVER see an author at a party consider yourself lucky. This is a very rare occurrence. It is advised that, if you do see an author in public you should speak softly and keep a safe distance or you risk frightening them off.
Many have risked their lives to find out why authors are like this. After much exploration and dangerous expeditions into author caves, an answer has been found.
Authors, it is now known, spend all of their time making up friends. These friends, though unseen by anyone but the author, become best friends to this shy, unsociable creature. Very often, they are the authors only companion - unless said author has adopted a cat, which is more common than you might think.
But, as I was saying, these unseen friends are very often the only people authors associate with. They become very close to them, creating a bond few understand. (Even our new studies have yet to explain this bond.) They best they have come to explaining it as that it is like the bond of a best loved sibling or spouse.
Yet, because of the delicate nature of these unseen friends, and the constant danger they are placed in, a lot of them die. It has been proven that these deaths are very hard on the authors. They are thrust into deep stages of grief which are, in many cases, impossible to pull out of.
Authors handle this grief differently. Most of them become even more anti social. They sometimes will go out to buy food, but when they do they hide under hoodies so that they do not have to look anyone in the eye. They run in, buy their chocolate and tea, and run back to their caves.
However, in many cases, the grief leads to different forms of insanity. Each author is effected differently, but in the end, most are driven insane by their sorrow.
Scientists were shocked to discover, in resent studies, that - blinded by their grief and unable to coop with their lonely lives - authors have taken on new means of consoling themselves. Their most radical ways? Passing on their sorrow, insanity, and anti-social ways to another cave-like creature called the reader.
Unlike the author, the reader is often seen outside, sitting under trees, on park benches, or in restaurants. It is impossible to say what these readers look like as their faces are always hidden behind books. But, it is now common knowledge that readers are also a shy being which do not like to attend parties and are most happy with a book in their hands.
Readers thrive on the creation of authors. It shapes their whole existence. On rare occasions readers gather together, like animals of the Savannah, at bookstores to gawk in amazement over their favourite author. (I don't think I need to tell you what a trail these events are on the elusive author.) These are really the only social events which readers attend. Even though readers are easier to spot it is advised one avoid them as much as one avoids the author. A reader spooks easily and if startled out of a book can turn violent. It is best to remain quiet around a reader and not approach it at all.
And now that I have explained these wonderful creatures, I shall move back to my point.
As I mentioned, readers are more inclined to be social than the author, but because of the new levels of insanity which authors have reached, they have determined to pass it on to their readers. Now, aided by their grief, they not only kill characters, they come up with new, heartbreaking ways in which to do it. The deeper they can inflict hurt on the reader the better.
Why, you might be asking. Why bring so much misery to the authors one means of support? Well, that is simple. Authors are vengeful. They feel that, if they must suffer, so must the reader. They also wish to make the reader as shy and elusive as they themselves are.
And, as shocking as this news might be, it is even worse. Proven studies have shown that the authors are succeeding in their evil polys. All over the world, readers are falling to new levels of insanity. They are rarely seen now and when they are they are often found sitting in a puddle of their own tears.
Now, I am sure some of you doubt me, but we have proof. All over the internet - the one last place readers and authors can be found - all sorts of insanity is cropping up.
Examples.
THIS LINK
THIS LINK
Readers are now so grief stricken they are making jokes while crying their eyes out. They just don't know how to handle it and are slowly being driven mad.
They are also starting to speak in one word sentences, which shows how far their minds are slipping. They say things like, This. So much accurate. True Story. OTP. I can't. And so forth...(I have not been able to find all of them, but I am sure you will be able to recall some.)
You might now be asking if authors have any evil scheme behind all of this, I mean other than the ones mentioned. To that I have an answer.
A colleague of mine has very strong reason to believe authors are planning on taking over the world. He says that the plan is to draw all of the readers out, then when they have amassed a large enough army they will rise up against business men and stuff them all into dungeons. (They already have a fairly large army with the Sherlock fandom alone.) Evidence for this is shown in the shocking rise of terrible cliff hangers and TV series which have been ending in death.
Examples are: Percy Jackson Merlin Sherlock Holmes Harry Potter Doctor Who Supernatural Les Miserables The Legend of Korah And the list is forever being added to.
At this point in time it is believed there is no cure for this insanity and all one can do is sit back in their offices and declare, "Not my division."
Written by your friendly neighborhood Spiderman in disguise.
Published through Paris Flash.
(Quote is from Pirates of the Caribbean.)
Allons-y!
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