Ventriloquist #1

tessatechaitea:

Great. How many image tags am I going to screw up typing “ventriloquist”?!


I was going to do a Who’s Who entry on Scarface before reading this one but then I felt that was a bit occupationist to group them together when all they have in common is making dolls talk without moving their lips. Scarface is just a gangster bullying the man with his hand up his ass. He’s only creepy because he’s a ventriloquist’s dummy. But Ferdie’s least creepy feature is that he’s a ventriloquist’s dummy. His most creepy feature is that he acts like one of those guys that has to turn every thing anybody says into some kind of sexual innuendo. Fuck, I hate those guys. My dad is one of those guys! You’re not being witty just because you can make a woman uncomfortable by pointing out how much you’d like to bang her after every thing she says.


Female: “I love the way these pants fit but they’re so difficult to get into some days.”
Creepy Guy: “I bet I can get into those pants easily enough!”
Female: “Ugh. I had such a hard day at work today.”
Creepy Guy: “I don’t find it work to get hard for you!”
Female: “Yeah. Great. You do know I’m about to call the police?”
Creepy Guy: “Po-lice let me bang you!”

Ferdie’s chat up lines all seem fake and creepy in another way as well because I’m fairly certain Ferdie is a closeted homosexual ventriloquist’s dummy. He’s just trying so hard to be macho in that way men don’t actually act macho. Well, except for those really fucking creepy ones. Like my dad and Mickey Rourke.

The real creep factor lies with Shauna though. She’s some kind of Carrie mixed with the girl in the well from Ringu and every cast member of every episode of Big Brother. That last bit is the creepiest part of her personality.

Currently everything in Gotham is truly fucked up. Batman disappears and things just fall apart. In my mind, that’s no city. That’s daycare. The entire city should be knocked down if they can’t even keep it together when Batman goes away for a few hours. While all the chaos rages on outside, Shauna and Ferdie have set up shop in an old theater. They’re giving away food, the building has heat and light, and the Ventriloquist is planning on giving a “gasser” of a show. Hey, Ferdie! Stop being ominous! But first, they have an interview to explain Shauna’s origin! Other than the Byrthday Party where she was teased relentlessly which led to her poisoning all of the other children and stealing the entertainment’s Ferdie puppet.

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These are always some of the funniest commentaries ever. SPOILER ALERT if you haven’t read the Ventriloquist issue of Villains Month, but FUNNY as hell.