On Turning 45

Given that my grandparents lived into their 90′s, I’d say that my life is roughly half over. I don’t mean that in a negative way, just an honest one.

So, I’ve been thinking:

What did I do during the first half of my life?

educated myself
started a career
published two books
saw one of those books take on its own life
sat in the dark and watched other people watch my imagination come to life on a stage
got married to someone I want to be talking to when I’m 90+
taught 107 classes from 1991 to present
taking into account that some of those classes had 35 students and some had eight, I’m going to say that I’ve taught about 1750 students thus far in my life
at least six of those students have published books
changed jobs four times in an effort to have my career close to family
severely compromised my long-term earnings by doing so
found peace and contentment by doing so
got tenure, gave it up (in said effort to move closer to home), got it again
moved (interstate) seven times
witnessed the death of two of my grandparents
bought a house, sold it, bought another one
became the parent to two cats and a dog
decided, after much soul-searching, not to become a parent myself
spent a third of my 45 years with severe jaw, then back pain
came to terms with pain
came to terms with my bad breaks
thanked my lucky fucking stars for my good breaks
stopped smoking
figured out who I was
became exactly who I wanted to be
taught myself the tech skills necessary to take a thought in my head—like this thing that I’m writing and that you’re reading—to take things like this and share them easily, quickly, and widely

I’ve been thinking:

What do I want to do during the second half of my life?

stay married
stay put
write some more books
get an NEA grant
settle into my teaching career, finally
become a full professor
get my “school life” to a point where it’s not all-consuming so that I can enjoy a fuller life
this will be accomplished in my brain (internally) and in real life by making wise choices and seeking out available resources (externally)
become more financially secure so that I can feel less anxious all the time
travel to every continent
be a good aunt to my four nephews and two nieces
be a good caregiver to my parents as they get older
be a good caregiver to my husband as he gets older
be healthy and independent and cogent for as long as possible, and then, be someone who can accept being cared for
be interested in others and interesting to others for as long as possible
be happy most of the time
stop worrying about why some people don’t like me
do something, accomplish something before I die that will make a difference and create some sort of legacy (in lieu of having my own children)
let go of the grudges I held during the first half of my life
accept what’s going to happen to my body, my hair, my skin, my mind
accept that people I love are going to die
close the door on all my ghosts
open the door to everything that’s coming, because I know a lot is coming–both good and bad

Thanks, as always, for reading.