How I’m Dealing with One of My Coping Strategies: A Case Study

Episode 40: Becoming a Free Range Hum... How to Switch from Coping to Caring

How I’m Dealing with One of My Coping Strategies: A Case Study

Last week, I described self-care’s shady sister: coping strategies.

We all have them (even though we might not like to admit it)

Most of us have a love/hate relationship with them. On the one hand, we know deep down that they’re getting in the way of our authenticity and preventing us from living as the best version of ourselves. In the long term, we know that they’re not good for us. On the other hand, they hit that sweet spot in the short-term and provide some sort of temporary relief, so we’re reluctant to give them up.

Today, I’m going to describe how I’m dealing with one of my major coping strategies. This is a work in progress, but I think it illustrates one of the reasons coping strategies can be so tricky to tackle, and it shows how you don’t necessarily have to get rid of the coping strategy behaviour altogether—especially when you’re getting fringe benefits from that behaviour.

The major coping strategy of mine that I want to talk about is:

Facebook.

Yes, really.

It might sound like a joke (and I admit this totally files under “First World Problems”), but it has been a real issue for me.

What does this coping strategy look like?

When I feel bored, negative, anxious, or stressed, I use Facebook to avoid whatever I’m doing that’s provoking those feelings. Sometimes this process is so unconscious that I’m not totally aware of what I’m doing until I’ve navigated to the website and gotten sucked into the whirling vortex of internet trivia.

Important tangent

When I write “bored, negative, anxious, or stressed”, these are my typical emotional responses to doing something that pushes me outside my comfort zone. This might cover activities spanning going for a long run (my Facebook friends might notice a cascade of likes and comments suddenly showing up on Saturday mornings), to, er, pretty much anything to do with marketing this site.

In my experience, there’s a huge difference between ”bored, negative, anxious, or stressed” because we’re doing something that isn’t serving our needs and ”bored, negative, anxious, or stressed” because we’re doing something that takes us out of the soft warmth of “this is familiar and I know I can do this”.

In the first instance, we need to evaluate the activity that’s provoking the feelings. In the second, we need to evaluate how we respond to those feelings the activity provokes (otherwise we’re not going to grow as people). Here, we’re dealing with the latter.

Back to Facebook

So there’s a strong correlation between me getting pushed out of my comfort zone and the amount of time I spend on Facebook.

This causes two main problems:

1) When I use Facebook to avoid something that I know is good for me to do in the long-term, I get more bored/negative/anxious/stressed because the thing I was doing in the first place takes longer.

2) I know that I’m not spending my time in the best way aimlessly scrolling through news feed updates I’ve already seen. From a 20,000 feet view, I want to feel satisfied with how I’m spending my limited time on this planet; I don’t think I’m going to get to the end of my life and think “Damn, I should have spent more time on Facebook”.

Why not just give it up?

This is where some coping strategy behaviours get tricky. I know that my compulsive Facebooking is a coping strategy because I’m using Facebook to meet my need for comfort in the short-term at the expense of other crucial long-term needs (like meaning, money, and relaxation).

But (and this is a big but) Facebook is also useful to me. In moderation, it does help me meet some of my crucial needs.

I use it to connect to people like you, who read Becoming Who You Are and listen to the podcast. A few of my friends also live outside the UK, so Facebook helps me stay in touch with them. I would feel really sad if I couldn’t stay in touch with those friends and hear about what’s happening for them on a day-to-day basis. Equally, I would feel a lot more disconnected from you without having that opportunity to connect.

How I found a balance

Before I get into the solution that I developed for this particular coping strategy, I want to caveat the following with a reminder that different solutions work for different people. I found the solution I’m about to describe useful but you might have different needs that require a different approach.

The solution to my compulsive Facebooking came in the form of the Pomodoro Technique. I first heard about this many moons ago but always thought it wasn’t something that was relevant to me (probably because it totally was relevant but I knew that I’d have to let go of my compulsive distraction habit if I decided to implement it…).

My partner recently started using it and immediately became a Pomodoro Technique cheerleader. His enthusiasm won me round. After the first morning, I was hooked.

If you’re unfamiliar with the Pomodoro Technique, the idea is that you work for 25 minutes (concentrated, single-task work on one project or task) then take a five minute break. Once you’ve done four “Pomodoros”, you take a longer break of 20-30 minutes. The exact details of how long you break, etc. vary depending on who you’re talking to, but that’s the gist.

Why the PT helped

Using this 25 minutes on, 5 minutes off technique has helped in a number of ways:

1) Uncomfortable stuff is less uncomfortable because I know that I get a break in less than 25 minutes and that I can stop after that if I really want (see no. 4).

2) I don’t have to give up Facebook entirely: I can use those five minutes to surf to my heart’s content if I want to.

3) Because I have boundaries around my time, I’m a lot more conscious about how I’m spending my time. Consequently, I now use Facebook less but get more enjoyment out of it because I’m using it in a way that’s meeting my needs (i.e. to connect with people).

4) If I’m doing something that feels really scary and uncomfortable, I give myself permission to stop after one Pomodoro, rather than forcing myself to push on and then spending most of the afternoon on Facebook instead. 25 minutes each day is better than agonising over it and then doing nothing. It also stops the shame spiral I described above where I feel frustrated with myself for avoiding tasks I know will be beneficial to me in the long-term.

I’ve been using the Pomodoro Technique for a few weeks now and so far it’s going really well. Actually using the method and sticking to the 25-5 minute segments can be tricky, but so far it’s helped me feel more productive and get more relaxation time too.

Ultimately, it’s helped me alter how I’m using Facebook. Instead of using it as a coping strategy at the expense o other needs, I’m using it as a tool that helps me meet my need for connection and relaxation, alongside meeting my other needs too. Win win!

Are you ready to make the switch from coping to caring? Check out the book and From Coping to Thriving: The Live Course, where we’ll be putting theory into practice this October. The price goes up this Sunday 1st September so join us on the live course today and save nearly 20%.

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