Shame, Happiness, Fudge and Dancing Polar Bears and Swears, So Many Swears

I feel a little ashamed.

Not because It’s coming up to 1pm and I’m still in my nightie (it’s actually a sundress so could pass as outwear but I did sleep in it last night. So…).

Or because all I have consumed today is three cups of coffee and two chocolate fudge bars (I actually think this should be a point of pride). 

No, I feel slightly ashamed because this is going to be another giddy, gluttonous post of bewilderment and gratitude. And though it scares me to celebrate - I was brought up to believe this sort of feeling could explode in your hands and singe your eyebrows off - I am SO FUCKING HAPPY today.  

Yesterday I won the Best First Book Category in the Scottish Book Awards. I’m now one of the four finalists along with Ewan Morrison, Gavin Francis and Richard Price. When I got the news I did my wee one-leg-other-leg-squee dance (copyright: all the women of my family). Sadly, I was unable to record the moment for posterity but found this basic approximation by a polar bear thanks to the internet - you’ll have to imagine the squeeing…

Dance along! There are so many good things that I can’t even process them all…They’ve hired amazing animators to animate the first page of each of our books! I won some money and that money will give me the freedom to keep writing (my third novel and the Tony Hogan one-woman show). Most of all it’s Scottish prize…it feels strangely like a homecoming somehow, like I’ve done good. 

I’m being totally honest when I say I can’t even begin to believe wee Tony Hogan, the story I wrote because I had to, the story I just hoped people wouldn’t slag off, that inspired a year-long pre-publication anxiety attack has been picked as one of Scotland’s best books of last year. The First Book shortlist was incredibly strong - full of authors I both like and admire - so I feel even more amazed. It's now in the final to win Book of the Year (and a frankly jaw-dropping prize) which will be decided by 50/50 public vote and the judges. I'd bloody love to bring it home for the debuts and the literary lasses. 

Whatever happens this has been the cherry on top of a beautiful fucking year of a cake…the shortlistings, the messages from readers, meeting incredible people, travelling…mostly the taking of the Ryan women into people’s hearts.

I am so, so fucking grateful to whatever star’s looking out for me. I don’t know how to say it better. 

So, yesterday I skittered about the streets of London and beamed and danced my little hoppy-dance. Today, I’m editing all day and all night, doing my laundry, I’m still in my nightie having only eaten two chocolate bars and at the risk of singeing my eyebrows, I am, I’m really fucking happy.