A Lesson on Reacting vs Responding

This is a lesson that many people never learn. I have only recently mastered this and it’s taken a couple of years and some very wise and patient friends helping me.

On the way home this evening I gave my nine year old son a lesson on this and when I tweeted it, a friend thought it might benefit others if I expounded on that tweet. So, here is the information I imparted to my son.

For some background info, the conversation started because he had been angry about something someone had said to him and he had reacted negatively–over reacted.

So I told him that when it comes to dealing with anger or stress, I try to remember the words doctors use when something, a virus or bacteria or disease, attacks our body. Because while words are just words, if they make us feel upset in some way, we feel like we’ve been attacked.

When someone is not doing well medically, often we say they are having a reaction. Like an allergic reaction or a bad reaction to a medicine. So a reaction is not a good thing. When we let ourselves get so angry that we react with violence or say something back without calming down or thinking, we are reacting. This is not how we want to be.

When the doctor gives a sick person a medicine and the sick person begins to get better, we say they are responding to the treatment, or are responding to the medicine. To respond is a good thing. This is what we want to do.

Words are only words. No matter what someone else says, they are only using words. How we feel about those words is completely on us. We are responsible for our own thoughts, words, and actions. No one else. Even if someone says (or does) something terrible to us that initially makes us angry, we are responsible for how we act and what we say. It’s never okay to blame our words or actions on someone else, no matter what they said to us.

So, we don’t want to react to someone with anger or violence. We want to take a step back, take a slow, deep breath in and out, think about how we feel and why, and then respond calmly.

I explained that this is sometimes easier said than done. And, when someone really pushes your buttons, it’s probably going to take more than one deep breath. Like everything else in life, it takes practice.

I told him I don’t expect him to be perfect at this; it can be really hard to control your temper and own your own emotions.

I also told him how proud I am of him.