Two More in the Charts

A few days ago, I was talking about the difficulty of categorising my novel, Voices. Well, we finally managed to find a category. Sci-fi/Visionary and Metaphysical. And what do you know, it has finally made its mark on the Amazon genre charts, coming in at number 45 this morning.

It’s no coincidence that Crooked Cat and I have been working on this categorisation problem. Voices was set up for a sequel, and I’m working on it. That sequel will take the tale closer to the metaphysical science fiction.

Without giving away any of the ending of the original novel, I’m going to give you a taster of what is to come.

At the end of Voices, Chris met Colonel Thompson of the Intelligence Services, a man determined to suppress the knowledge Chris had come by. Here we are early in the sequel, and Thompson has called upon him again, four months after Chris’s wife, Jan, was killed in a traffic accident. When Thompson brings up the matter, Chris accuses him of involvement in Jan’s death. Thompson’s reaction is typically authoritarian.

***

“Despite what you may read to the contrary, the intelligence services need no reason to arrest you and we’re not overburdened by the need for warrants or other trivia, like proof. No, Mr Deacon, I had nothing to do with Janet’s death and if I were to eliminate anyone, it would have been you, not her. You are an enemy of the state.”

I ignored his jingo-jingo patriotism. It was part of the public school mindset. “Why are you here?”

“Curiously enough, I need your help.”

I laughed. A sardonic bark dripping with cynicism, but it was the first time I could recall laughing at all since Jan died. “I’ll ask again.”

“No, really, I do need your help.”

“Pull the other one. You just said I’m an enemy of the state. Given my history as a union activist, a left winger, the kind of man who loathes you and all you stand for, do you seriously imagine expect me to believe that?”

“No, I don’t. I would, however, like to extend an invitation. How would you feel about dinner tonight? Giacomo’s. In the town centre.”

I was stunned into silence for a long moment. “What the hell are you talking about?”

He finished his tea and put the cup and saucer on the coffee table. Getting to his feet, he said, “I’m led to believe that Giacomo’s was one of your favourite restaurants. Seven thirty for eight… oh, and do smarten yourself up, old boy.”

I bristled. “Give me one good reason why I should turn up.”

He smiled that infuriating, ingratiating smile. “If you don’t, you will never learn who really killed your wife or why. Seven thirty this evening, Mr Deacon.”

***

What does Thompson want? What really happened to end Jan’s life? Well, you have a bit of a wait to find out. I don’t anticipate the novel being completed much this side of the New Year, and then it will need polishing, editing, editing and polishing before its ready for publication. But I promise you, it will be worth the wait.

***

Voices isn’t the only non-STAC Mystery title making its mark.

I find this world terribly depressing, and my work doesn’t help matters. The only safety valve I possess is a one-megaton sense of humour, and that manifests itself in the thoughts and advice of… Flatcap.

We all know a Flatcap. He’s the man in the pub who knows absolute everything about everything, and for the price of a pint and two pork pies, he will tell you everything about everything.

The two volumes of Flatcap’s advice, Flatcap’s Guide to UK Holidays and Flatcap’s Guide to Sex have just come off a five-day free promo, and Flatcap’s Guide to UK Holidays has refreshed its mark on the Amazon UK/Humour chart, bolting back in at number 13 this morning.

Here’s Flatcap warning us all about cycling holidays.

Your modern pushbike is fitted with anything up to 8 gears on a double reduction axle. It has on board refreshments in the shape of a water bottle and long straws, independent suspension on the saddle and a variety of all-purpose handlebars. I’ve even seen them fitted with tom-tom satnav systems, detailing the route from Garstang to Carnforth (cyclists always go to these boring places) and projecting the timescale.

And it doesn’t end with these hi-tech accoutrements. Most bikes are now fitted with a speedometer. A speedometer!!!

On the move, your average bike hovers around the 10-12 mph mark. (That’s slightly faster than a First Manchester staff bus when I’m behind the frigging thing taking Her Indoors to work early morning.) Why would anyone want to fit a speedometer to a bike? What next? A high beam flashlight to blind the speed camera at Cross Street? Who is the cyclist trying to outrun? Granny Whiz on her motorised scooter?

I found one guy on the web crowing because he’d got up to 37.6mph. Laugh? I nearly bought my own beer.

Buying the bike is not cheap, and the expense doesn’t end there. You have to poppy up for the clobber too. Back in the dark ages, when I was a lad, you put a pair of cycle clips round your trousers and hopped on the saddle. If you couldn’t afford cycle slips, you tucked your trousers into your socks.

That’s not good enough these days. Oh no. Nowadays it has to be full length, cycling tights in black Lycra. The problem with these things is, they are body hugging. It’s to lower wind resistance, and you’ll soon understand what that means when you take them off and find that every fart of the day is stored inside, released in one giant, ozone-shattering blast of methane that will blow your head off and knock your eco-friendly rating for six.

And these tights hide nothing. Her Indoors’ rugby forward thighs would be on display to all and sundry and while I wouldn’t say my legs are thin, they do tend to remind most people of the novelty robin perched on a Christmas cake. They also reveal that most men, me included, are not … ahem … built like a ballet dancer.

After the tights, there is the helmet. These things remind me of a fancy egg box sliced in half, after someone has nicked the eggs. And you should see the price. Averaging about £40, the most expensive I came across was £91. £91!! I only paid £65 for my first car.

***

No one should contemplate holidays without first taking Flatcap’s advice.

Flatcap’s Guide to UK Holidays and Flatcap’s Guide to Sex are exclusive to the Amazon Kindle.

Voices, published by Crooked Cat Books, is available for download from:

Amazon (Kindle)

Smashwords (all formats)

Crooked Cat Books (EPUB, MOBI, PDF)

And in paperback from

Amazon