Essa’s Adventures- Essa Learns the Meaning of Life Through Religion
I peer out the window of my office/bedroom and see a familiar sight. Two men, both wearing identical short sleeve white shirts and dark ties are about to knock.
I don’t have to worry about finding Jesus. Due to the heavy church community surrounding my neighborhood, Jesus keeps fucking finding me.
“Mormons or Jehovah’s?” I ask myself as I peek out the slat in my blinds. It’s so damn hard to tell the difference. This will probably sound racist, but all door-to-door bible thumpers look the same to me. “Does it really matter what they are?” I ask myself as I sit back down.
I go through my various ways to get rid of them in my head. I could just ignore the door knocking, but they can be quite persistent in their knocking. A simple ‘get the fuck out of here’ works pretty well, as does shooing them away like squirrels with a broom.
But another thought occurs to me. It the Friday half day that I always give myself. I’m a few beers in and I’m…lonely. This reclusive lifestyle is starting to get to me as it always does when I’ve been drinking. These guys look nice and I am in no danger of getting brainwashed. As a self professed narcissist, it is very hard to get me to believe in god, because I actually think I am god.
I make a decision. It’s time to try being social again. I get out of my computer chair and rip open my front door before the man’s hand even connects with the door for the first knock.
“Good afternoon gentlemen,” I beam widely as two damn near identical, handsome in a non-threatening way, men stare at me. “I can only assume you’re here to tell me about Jesus?”
The men look at each other and I am almost 100% positive that this is the first time anyone has ever responded to them in a friendly way before. The guy on the left takes the lead. “Good evening. I’m Xavier and this;” he gestures to the guy next to him “is Chester.”
“Wow, your parents must have hated you guys, huh?” I can only imagine the level of ass kicking’s growing up with the name ‘Xavier’ or ‘Chester’ could entail. I finish off my beer and wander off to the fridge, leaving the door open. “If you’re gonna come in, come in. It’s August in Florida and I ain’t paying for air conditioning to keep the palmetto bugs cozy.”
After some hesitation, they both wander in behind me and settle down on my couch.
“What’s your name?” Xavier asks me as he looks around.
I pop the tab on another Natural Light and respond. “It’s Felicity. Felicity Cuntlicker.”
Xavier looks offended. “Look, if you’re not going to tell me your real name…”
I raise an eyebrow and look offended right back. “What makes you think that’s not my real name?” I roll my eyes and head towards the front door. “Awesome, yet another two jerks ready to make fun of my name. You assholes are just like the guys in my high school. No wonder I never got married. I think it’s time for you two to go.” I start to open the door, my face turned away to hide my smirk.
“No, wait!” Apparently, Xavier is too reluctant to let this juicy worm off the hook and had decided to accept my ridiculous name. “Ms. Cuntlicker, I apologize.” He clears his throat. “If you have time, I was just hoping to discuss the creator with you.”
I stay turned towards the door as I damn near snort beer through my nose. We are off to a delightful start. “Which creator?” I turn around.
Xavier looks somber. “The only creator. He is “Jehovah the Creator of the extremities of the earth. Isaiah 40:28.”
I nod and start off on my own quote. “New York was steaming – an angry concrete animal caught unawares in an unseasonable hot spell, but she didn’t mind the heat or the littered midway called Times Square.” I nod again. “Susann, chapter 1, verse 1.”
Both men are watching me, looking utterly lost. “Excuse me?” Xavier finally asks.
“I thought we were quoting our favorite books? Mine’s ‘Valley of the Dolls’. Yours is apparently the bible.” I sigh. “A bit clichéd, don’t you think? I mean the bible has some good stories and all, but it’s buried in so much crap that you have to skip entire chapters before you can get to any of the action parts. That’s why I like Jacqueline Susann. She’s all action.”
“Oh,” Xavier looks so confused that I would feel bad for him, if I wasn’t an alcoholic narcissist. “Well, we wanted to give you a…”
“What’s “extremities of the earth?” I interrupt.
“Excuse me?”
“’Extremities of the earth’. That’s what you said. ‘Extremities of the earth’.” I roll the phrase around in my mouth. I can’t say I don’t like it. I just don’t understand what it means. “Because technically, in every religious book or scientific paper I read, the universe has no extremities.”
“Well…”
“Because extremities are the absolute limits of something. If something is infinite, it has no limits, so there are no absolute limit.”
“It was more symbolic…”
“Ugh,” I plop down in a chair and continue drinking my beer. “That’s what I hate about the bible. So many fucking plot holes that no one bothers to fill.” I take a look at the guys watching me warily. “Do you guys want a beer?”
“We don’t drink.” Xavier responds.
“No drinking at all?” I roll my eyes. “This is why I’m glad I was brought up Catholic. We drink all the time. Even in church. I’ll tell you, there is nothing funnier than getting hammered at midnight mass on Christmas Eve.”
Xavier sees an opening. “Actually, Catholicism and the Church of Jehovah have a lot in common. We both…”
“Oh, I’m not Catholic anymore. I bailed after I got my confirmation money. That’s what most Catholics are in it for anyway. The payoff on their 16th birthday.” I look down at my beer. “Well, that and the payoff from all their child molestation lawsuits.”
“Um…”
“Do the Jehovah’s have a problem with that?” I lean forward and look at Xavier with a serious expression. “I mean, can you give me ballpark statistic? What’s the ratio of priests to molested children in your religion?”
“We don’t have priests, we have…”
“Fuck it.” I wave a hand and continue drinking. “I actually don’t do the religious thing anymore. I’m more a believer in universal energy, because I’ve seen some scientific evidence of that.” I am now feeling scientific. “I mean, energy is something that has been scientifically proven. Everything on the planet is in a state of constant motion. Even when it dies.” I wriggle my beer can. “Even this simple can is in a state of constant motion, even though is doing nothing. If it ever stopped moving, then it would simply cease to be.”
“Existence is…”
“I mean, that’s the crazy thing about energy. Nothing ever ends, as long as its cells are in motion. Even when it dies, its cells still move.” I smack myself on the head. “That’s what death is! It’s not about the end of movement. It’s about the end of the awareness about that movement. Something is alive, so it is aware it is alive and it feels its need to remain in motion. So it feeds that need. But then it stops being alive, so that awareness of that desire to remain in motion disappears. It dies, but it’s still moving. It’s just not aware that it’s moving anymore. Life and death aren’t about the end or beginning. They are about the acknowledgement of existence and the desire to continue that existence. Just because we lack the desire to continue to exist does not mean we stop existing.” I crush the beer can in my hand. “Holy shit, I think I just discovered the meaning of life.”
‘Well, glad I could help…”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” I wave him off. “Look, can you guys get going? I have to honestly tell you, the Jehovah’s’ stance on alcohol is a deal breaker in my book. And don’t get me started on that blood transfusion thing. Do you have any idea how often I get into knife fights? If I started saying no to blood transfusions, I’d be dead in a week.” I point to the door. “Now get out of here before I forget what I’ve learned and thanks for indirectly helping me find the meaning of life.” I shove them out the door but I can’t stop thinking about my constant motion theory.
Xavier presses a pamphlet into my hand on his way out. “Read this. It will help you find the way.”
I press something into his hand in return. “Read this, it will help you understand the universe.”
“This is a crumpled up label from your beer bottle.” Xavier looks confused.
“And the fact that you know that means you acknowledge your existence. You’re welcome.” I slam the door in his face and race to my computer to write down what I’ve learned.
“I think, therefore I am.”
I have finally learned what that actually means. To Xavier and Chester, thanks for helping me work through that crisis of faith.
But I have no faith in your wacky religion. Fuck praying to an invisible daddy figure, I have motion to be aware of. I might finally find a way to prove that time is cyclical, that everything is cyclical, but in a linear nature. And I bet I am the first person in the universe to have ever been glad she opened the door to a couple of Jehovah witnesses.
The fact that I am aware of that means I exist.
