Ruminating On: Gingers Responsible for Flaming Baby

1. Baby, you on fire!

In Chennai, India, there’s a three-month-old baby that keeps bursting into flames and causing a ruckus. Nobody can pinpoint exactly why Baby Rahul keeps trying to imitate a phoenix, and scientists are baffled. The Times of India cites several sources that purport the baby could very well catch fire without help of accelerants. I have to say, I’m a wee bit skeptical. What bothers me is, no one is even considering child abuse. Here we have a three month old baby with burns, and the parents are the only witnesses to what happened. Sure, there’s no trace of gas or alcohol, but who’s to say mom or pop didn’t stick a torch to the kid? There is one other documented case of spontaneous combustion, though. Last year, an Irish coroner cited SHC (Spontaneous Human Combustion) as the cause of death for a 76-year-old man. Baby Rahul is set to be discharged tomorrow with a prescription for a fire extinguisher. The three-month-old is looking forward to his first birthday so he can light his own candles. Johnny Storm was unavailable for comment.

2. Gingers have souls as well as a higher risk of skin cancer

There’s this gene called MC1R which gives redheads their signature fire mops. Cool beans. Why’s that news? Because that same gene has been found to heighten the chances of melanoma. Studies have proven that you gingers need to stay out of the sun and tanning beds. Pale is sexy. And whatever else you need to tell yourself to get through life. I kid, I kid. I love redheads. You fiery fornicators are the spice of life. Just keep your pasty-pale asses indoors and out of those Easy Bake Ovens. Blonds might have more fun, and Brown-hairs might be of greater intelligence, but no one likes those black-haired demons of sin. At least that’s a thing, right?

Daily Tip: Budweiser is responsible for the majority of alcohol-related emergency room visits. Grab yourself a frosty cold health condition on me.

E.

. (Note: This blog is not professionally edited. Hey, you guys!)