I’m Not On Social Media To F**k You

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Please, do me a favor. Don’t tell me how pretty my green eyes are, that you love wild redheads, or that you want to do things to me that my husband would not approve of.

I’m not on social media to fuck you.

I’m on social media to build up my author platform and social media business. To connect with readers in a way that conservatives would still probably not approve of (She curses! #gasp), that isn’t icky or requires the exchange of bodily fluids. To create bonds with both men and women that are purely platonic.

Before you think I think I’m all that, here is a sampling of the come-ons just this month:

Will you be a ‘cam girl’ for my wife and I? (So considerate to include her, don’t you think?)
If we both weren’t married, would you Skype fuck me? (Is that a thing? I didn’t know that was a thing. Apparently, it’s a thing.)
I’d like to cover you with Nutella and then lick it off your body. (Me: I have a better idea. Put it on some bread.)
Will you lower your price for social media consulting if I tell you how hot you are? (Me: The price just doubled.)

I feel sorry for some men. Society teaches guys that to ‘get’ a woman, they have to say ridiculous things like this — I mean, do they hear themselves? I feel sorry for women, too. Makeup, hair dye, exercise, eating lettuce leaves and pretending to like it — all to get a man.

One woman told me I should feel flattered — isn’t it a compliment that guys say things like this to me? Um…what? (And that’s a whole other post.)

Whatever happened to just being ourselves? How about not focusing on what we get but what we give (okay, I may have to rethink that one for you pervs out there). Sharing books, music, writing poetry, enjoying a good meal…okay, so some of that’s difficult if a guy is in one place and the object of his affection is in another, but isn’t that what Skype IS for?

Listen, there are lots of people who are on social media to find a fuck buddy, chicks included. And I make no judgement about that. Do whatever blows your skirt up. Just don’t assume that all women are there for the same thing. Many of us are professionals and want — no expect — to be treated as such. Some of us are just there for fun and that’s fine, too. And hey, we don’t mind the occasional compliment or flirt — many of us are flirts, too. But there’s a line — we all know what that line is. (Hint: it’s located above your genitals.)

Before you say I’m hating on men, I’ll stop you right there because it’s some (not all) men who are behaving this way (and some women, too, no doubt, just not with me). Or go ahead and say I’m a man-hater — it won’t be my first time. Call me whatever you want, just do it without mentioning my breasts.

Some of my favorite people in the world are men, and the reason I adore them is because they treat me with kindness and respect. Try treating women on social media just like you would any other human (unless you’re a total dumbass — then try a different approach). And here’s a tip: if a woman is interested, she’ll let you know.

(Oh, and sending us pix of your junk does you no favors. Keep the mouse in the house.)