They Write the Songs…But I Complain About Them

I come from a musical family. My brother manages musical acts out in Vegas. My father played the drums since he was a teen. He was even in a couple of bands when I was a kid. The only one I can remember was a Christian rock band called “Denim Magic’.

You can only imagine how cool that made me in high school.

I myself had a beautiful singing voice until I developed a pack a day habit some time around the age of 12.

“You started smoking at 12?” you might be shrieking in horror.

No, I started smoking at 11. It takes a while for a person with lungs that small to work up to a pack a day. Stay with me here people. We’re here to talk about music, not about your judgmental opinions regarding pre-pubescent smoking.

Anyway, after I destroyed my voice in favor of menthol laced tobacco (I regret nothing) I developed something Freud would call ‘musical envy’. Due to the fact that I had no musical talent remaining, I did what any reasonable and slightly bitter person would do.

I became an expert on complaining about music. Today will be no exception.

Have you ever heard a song and wondered ‘what the hell does that even mean” or “that word doesn’t even exist’ or even ‘what the hell was this guy on when he wrote this song’? I know I have. So today I will be trashing all those hard working artists who either got too high brow or too damn lazy to write decipherable lyrics

I am so glad I turned off my site comments.

Essa’s Top 5 “What The F#&k” Songs

#5 – ‘Levon’  - Sir Elton John

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy Elton John’s music. In fact, I’ve been known to frequent lesbian Karaoke bars just so I could sing the song “I Wanna Kiss the Bride,” but the song ‘Levon’ is a massive mind fuck

Here’s a snippet;

Levon sells cartoon balloons in town

His family business thrives

Jesus blows up balloons all day

Sits on the porch swing watching them fly

My main question? How the hell is Levon’s ‘cartoon balloon’ business thriving when Jesus is releasing all his balloons into the sky every day? An exactly how sizable is the cartoon balloon industry anyway? What exactly does a cartoon balloon cost, like a dollar? Levon must be selling thousands of those damn things per week to be making any money at all. Finally, does Jesus have helium too? He’d have to, to be able to make the balloons ‘fly’. How the hell can a successful business man let his kid waste company resources like that?

#4 – ‘A Thousand Miles’ – Vanessa Carleton

Vanessa Carlton will get no props from me, because she is guilty of a crime against music; lazy lyricism. Check out this steaming pile of forced rhymes.

If I could fall

Into the sky

Do you think time

Would pass me by

No Vanessa, no it wouldn’t. And I would like to add that I would very much like to watch you fall out of the sky, preferably from a cruising altitude of about 33,000 feet.

#3 – ‘Gettin Jiggy Wit It’ – Will Smith

This song pisses me off in more ways than I can even explain. The first part it the title. Not “Getting Jiggy With it” Nope, he’s “Gettin Jiggy Wit It”. I’ve been waiting years for Pat Sajak to call Will Smith and let him know that consonants won’t cost him any money, only vowels will. In case you can’t remember this IQ reducing pile of crap, let me give you a snippit.

na na na na na na na nana na na na na nana

Gettin jiggy wit it

na na na na na na na nana na na na na nana

Gettin jiggy wit it

My spell check actually exploded when I added that in.

I have a theory about this song. I think that Will Smith was sitting around on a giant pile of money, bored, when he decided to make a bet with DJ Jazzy Jeff. The conversation went a little like this;

Will Smith – (counting money) White American teenagers love non-threatening  black rappers! I bet I could sell these assholes anything.

DJ Jazzy Jeff – No way man

Will Smith – (gives Jazzy his patented, eye brow raised ‘I’m the human equivalent of Bugs Bunny’ look) Wanna put your money with you mouth is?

DJ Jazzy Jeff – Fine, but I get to pick the terms. (He thinks about it for a minute) You need to sell a million copies of a song, but the only real word you’re allowed to use is the word ‘it’.

Will Smith – (Gets up, leaves. Returns 10 minutes later) Check the top ten. (They turn on the TV. “Gettin Jiggy Wit It” is Number 1) I wrote in on a napkin on my way to the radio station.

DJ Jazzy Jeff – Damn it! (Fades into complete obscurity)

#2 – ‘Swingin’ – John Anderson

Once upon a time, I actually thought that I hated country music. Then, I listened to some Brad Paisely, Dierks Bentley and other country music singers and realized that country wasn’t that bad. I believe my initial problem came from the PTSD I suffered after being exposed to the song ‘Swingin’ at an early age.

There’s a little girl, in our neighborhood.

Her name is Charlotte Johnson, and she’s really lookin’ good.

I had to go and see her, so I called her on the phone.

I walked over to her house, and this was goin’ on.

Let me get this straight, adult man John Anderson…there is a little girl in your neighborhood that you think is ‘really lookin’ good’? And according to the song, her parents are totally cool with you coming over so you can swing with her on the front porch? What kind of three-toothed-backwater-yokel-Podunk-pile-of-shit are you living in that your neighbors are not only not reporting you as a potential sex offender…they’re totally kosher with you coming over to drool over their child? No joke, this song friggen scarred me for life. It would have made number one if it wasn’t for;

#1 – ‘Hotel California’ – The Eagles

Let me tell you all something right now. If I ever find the Hotel California, I will burn it to the fucking ground and then I will piss on the ashes. I hate this song like I have never hated a song in my life. Why? Because it mocks me. It knows I hate it, but it has found a way to make me hear it at least once ever single day of my damn life.

If I ever become a billionaire, I will spend all my money buying every single copy of this song ever made and then buying a submarine so I can have all the copies plunged to the deepest depths of the sea for all eternity.

I’m not pasting any snippets of this song in because I’m afraid if I do, it will find me. Just rest assured that no one knows what the hell it’s about, not even The Eagles themselves. I’ve heard theories about it being about a mental hospital all the way down to it being about Don Henley’s first prostate exam. I don’t know and I don’t care. I only know that my life’s mission it to make sure that song can never hurt anyone again.