Job Interview with Brent Michael Kelley

Today I’m interviewing Brent Michael Kelley. He’s the author of Chuggie and the Desecration of Stagwater (CLICK HERE) and his newest book, Chuggie and the Bleeding Gateways (CLICK HERE), is now available. You can keep up with Brent at his website www.brentmichaelkelley.com 
Tell us a little about yourself and about your newest release.
I’m a literary juggernaut and renaissance man. Basically, I’m Alexander the Great, James Joyce, Buzz Aldrin, Nikola Tesla, and Gilbert Gottfried all rolled into one convenient package. My wife would disagree, but she also doesn’t think beer is part of this complete breakfast. In college I petitioned the cosmos to send me a muse. I’d hoped for a sexy bikini lady, but they sent me a gravel-voiced drunk who claimed he was the embodiment of drought. He told me his name was Chuggie, and I asked if I could write about him. I couldn’t understand his reply, so write about him I did. Here we are, a few short years later, and Chuggie has two adventures published. The newest one – I think you said it was called Chuggie and the Bleeding Gateways? – was published in June. Half of my royalties for the first year are going to the American Cancer Society. The story is so foul-mouthed and gruesome, I love the idea of using it as a force for good. Hopefully, Chuggie can raise a butt-load of money to help defeat cancer.


Okay, now for the hard part. The interview. I found the following questions on a website that listed these as actual questions people were asked in job interviews. Remember to answer them honestly because I’ll know your lying and I won’t hire you for the job that doesn’t exist!
Okay, can’t lie, can’t lie… I’m ready. This is what I’ve been training for!
If you were to get rid of one state in the U.S., which would it be and why?
Well, it depends what you mean “get rid of.” My gut tells me we should combine the Dakotas, make Puerto Rico a state, and bulldoze Wyoming while we still can. As long as we’re making changes, Wisconsin gets the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Lower Michigan gets absorbed by Utah, and we pay North Korea $12 billion to take Minnesota. But you said just ONE state… I guess I’d get rid of Florida so my hippy friends Justin and Sarah would have to move back to Wisconsin. Take THAT, you granola-chomping commies!
A penguin walks through that door right now wearing a sombrero. What does he say and why is he here?
He pulls a revolver, points it at my face, and says, “Get on the floor, Diablo Blanco!” Apparently, he’s here to avenge his brother Carlos. He’ll be shocked when he finds out Carlos is alive, and I was working for him the whole time!
What songs best describes your work ethic?
Murder in the Red Barn by Tom Waits. Firestarter by the Prodigy. Drunk With Power by Puscifer. Ging Gang Gong De Do Gong De Laga Raga by Rob Zombie. Sorry for Party Rockin’ by LMFAO.
What do you think about when you are alone in your car?
When I was in middle school, I tried to summon the Demon Lord Korthux to do my bidding. Anybody familiar with Korthux knows he’s as slippery as he is diabolical. I summoned him, but he infested me with a thousand plague-sprites and escaped to freedom. He wanders the world today, thanks to me, sowing carnage and despair. Meanwhile, the plague-sprites are trying to break free of my body. I don’t have to tell you, this will be gruesome and quite painful for me. When I’m alone, be it in the car or just curled beneath the couch, I mostly think about how to keep the plague-sprites at bay. I’m proud to say I’ve been able to expel forty-three of them, so someday I’ll be plague-sprite-free. When that happens, I suppose I’ll think about hunting down Korthux when I’m alone in the car.
How would you rate your memory?
Excellent. 99thpercentile. Pretty sure you already asked me this, though.
Can you say: 'Peter Pepper Picked a Pickled Pepper' and cross-sell a washing machine at the same time?
Only if I’m allowed to drink beforehand. I’m basically Don Draper with a nicer beard and a snappier haircut. So, yeah, I can do it (depending which dimension we’re in).
If we came to your house for dinner, what would you prepare for us?
It’s this gourmet delicacy you’ve probably never heard of. You’ll like it, trust me. It certainly won’t be your own flesh, I can promise you that much.*
Have you ever stolen a pen from work?
I’ve taken pens, paper clips, staplers, a fax machine, a printer, two computer monitors, $460, and a mop. Oh, and I used to intimidate the lady who did all the HR stuff, so I could take a vacation day and she wouldn’t put it on the computer. I think I took 27 days off one year, but she only put me down for four. I don’t work there anymore, but I still visit her at home sometimes.
Pick two celebrities to be your parents.
Tom Waits and Katey Sagal.
If you could be anyone else, who would it be?
I think Maynard James Keenan has a good time. No, wait, he works too hard. I guess Rob Zombie would be nice to be. Shoot, he works too hard, too. I got it! James Franco. That lazy son of a…
The interview is over. We have a lot of candidates who’ve applied for this position. Is there anything else you would like to add?
If I don’t get this job… If YOU don’t hire me… Mark my words, okay? I am going to burn this place to the frickin’ ground and fling acid in everyone’s face that works here. I will flay the skin from your feet and feed it to you while forcing you to watch a VHS of Dustin Diamond’s 2003 college “comedy” tour. And so forth.

Those were great questions. I feel like I didn’t answer them as well as I should have. I’m awful at interviews. Thanks for having me. As always, it’s been a pleasure!