Notice that you can never just say "Juan." It must be "Juan Pablo." And it must be whispered, for ultimate sexiness...

So, when it came to this season of the Bachelor, I just couldn't do it, you guys. I missed one episode due to the Electronic Holocaust, and I just didn't have the motivation to try and catch up. This is how much I couldn't stand Des...I couldn't even stand to watch her long enough to make fun of her.

In the scheme of Bachelor recaps, that's some serious shit.

BUT! Next season? IT'S ALL GOING TO BE DIFFERENT, EVERYBODY!

Because I don't know if you've heard, but this is our new Bachelor:




It's Juaaaaanannn Paaaaablllloooooooo!

Mmmmmmmmm....Juan Pablo. Juan Pablo the soccer player, who cites "good size breasts" as one of the qualities he looks for in a woman. Juan Pablo, who fights cowboys in Spanish. Juan Pablo, whose favorite book? Doesn't matter, BECAUSE JUAN PABLO DOESN'T READ! Juan Pablooooooo, the all-night dancer (and you know what they say about guys who are good on the dancefloor, don't you? It means they're good at SEX, too!). Juan Pablo, who has made me rethink my whole stance of not really needing to travel to that whole South America continent because I'm just not attracted to Spanish guys. Juan Pablo, who also has a daughter and talks about her in a way that makes you go "awww!" instead of "snooooooore."

Juan Pablo.

Juan Pablo is our next Bachelor.

It's going to be the best season EVER, everybody!