I’m losing it...

I lost it. I'm not sure when or where, but I lost it. No, I'm not talking about my mind. I lost 5 lbs. of ugly fat and if you find it, I don't want it back.
If you want it, you are welcome to keep it. But, just so you know, this is just like when someone offers you a puppy that you don't really want - it grows on you. It needs lots of attention, but it makes you feel comfortable and you don't even realize how much you do for it. It loves to sit with you on the couch and watch tv. It keeps you company when you are sitting at your computer playing games and updating your status on facebook. It absolutely loves brownies and ice cream, oh and chips. It will never turn down that extra bottle of beer; in fact, that extra bottle of beer will make you forget it's hanging on your hip.

When it first clings to you, you don't even notice it. You don't see it in the mirror, unless you are looking at your backside. Then, it starts to grow and at first, it doesn't seem like much. As you accept it, it invites its relatives to move in. It loves parties and holidays the most. Believe it or not, it craves depression and uselessness. It wallows in your self pity and jealousy. It doesn't like hard work. In fact, it will do its best to make you out of breath and tired when you attempt it. It is great at procrastinating and giving up.

It loves pictures. It just bulges out all over and shows off, so much that you didn't even realize how big it got. It takes great joy in popping buttons and unzipping zippers and most of all, breaking chairs. It also likes dust and dirt and cobwebs. It will never run away from an unmade bed or clothes left laying on the floor. Dirty windows excite it; gardens full of weeds enhance it; it relishes in overgrown lawns and hedges; it is ecstatic about the room you have been hoarding stuff in.

When it's time to say goodbye because it has overstayed its welcome, scrub your floor, wash your windows, work in your garden, take long walks, empty out that hoarded room, make your bed and do all those piles of laundry. It really, really hates that and it will fight you at every turn.

Like I said, I lost 5 lbs. and there's plenty more where that came from and I plan on losing a lot more. So, if you see any of it laying around, avoid it at all costs. Run. Run like the wind I tell ya.