The Little Things That Make Me Furious
As you all know, I am a deeply sensitive, introspective type of person. I could spend hours watching a plastic bag flap around in the breeze, or tracking the path of a butterfly, or writing my own non-rhyming poetry about the trials and tribulations of my fellow man.
Sorry, just fucking around. In reality, I run on a dangerous mixture of anger, caffeine and disdain. And I have never written a poem that didn’t begin with ‘there once was a man from…”
In short, I’m about as deep as a toilet.
Because of this, I frequently find myself getting just plain furious about incredibly trivial things. Today, I’m going to share those things with you, instead of just cutting myself and drinking like usual.
1. People who can’t figure out how to stand in line. Take a look at the below diagram to figure it out in case your confused.
If you’re still lost, or you’re facing the complication of a slightly slanted store, remember this if your forced to confront the challenge in standing in line; TAKE THE MOST LOGICAL FUCKING POSITION. Make sure there’s a reasonable amount of space both in front of, and behind you, without being ridiculous. If you’re standing next to the line, you’re not in the line. If there is enough room to park a VW bus between you and the next person in line, you are not in the line. If you are standing so close to me that I can feel your breath on my shoulder, you’re not in the line…and you’re about to get elbowed in the face.
2. Hiccups. We can make a medication that will get a 90 year old hornier than an 18 year old, but modern medicine can’t find a reasonable way to stop a mild spasm of the diaphragm? Nothing annoys me like a case of the hiccups. People have suggested things to me like sugar and water or breathing into a paper bag. I have an alternative solution.
I run, full speed, at my kitchen table and slam my fucking chest into it as hard as I can. This accomplishes two things. It stops the hiccups and it reminds my body who is running the show. I consider a cracked sternum a small price to pay for that level of authority.
3. Shower drains that can’t handle human hair. Being the crazy recluse that I am, I don’t get haircuts. My hair is somewhere around mid back and still growing. Because of this, I need a significant amount of drain cleaner shoved down the drain per week to keep from taking shower with water up to my knees. Again, modern technology and science, you can’t find a way to remedy this? I just did. Put a damn garbage disposal in my shower drain. Done.
4. Unsolicited solicitors. For some reason, the religious ones get to squeak by the ‘no soliciting’ sign in my apartment complex because they’re not technically selling anything. I used to have them stopping by my door 2 to 3 times a week, strictly to tell me I’m going to hell (terrible marketing idea, BTW). Then, I put up this sign and all the door knocking stopped.
Not only have the religious types stopped knocking, I’ve also found this sign scares off Christmas Carolers, sales people and the Schwan’s delivery guy as well. Good times.
5. My dentist. I’m late for my dental exam and I’ve gotten at least 5 phone calls this week. Is my dentist that worried about my oral health, or has the dental industry had some kind of recession I’m unaware of? Dear dentist, I will make my fucking appointment when I feel like it, now stop calling me. (That is also my outgoing message on my phone). I’m half worried I’m going to wake up in the middle of the night to find her standing over me with a water pick and a spit cup.
That’s all I got for now, but I’m sure that more things will be pissing me off very soon. Stay tuned to my blog, or any Florida news channel (in case I finally just lose it) for future updates.
