Twelve Rules for Writing About the House of Lancaster: A Writer’s Guide

As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been looking at the search terms that people use to reach my website and blog. It’s becoming alarmingly clear that while authors of Wars of the Roses books and screenplays are fairly adept at creating Yorkist characters (keywords: noble, strong, beautiful, loyal), some are still a little shaky on how to manage Lancastrian ones. So here, without further ado, are some tips that can work not only for fiction, but for some nonfiction as well:

If a Lancastrian character is tolerably good-looking, he or she must spoil the effect by sneering a lot.
Ideally, all Lancastrian marriages should be consummated by rape, or something very near to it, but at the very least, the experience must be a miserable one for one or preferably both parties. Remember, there is no such thing as Good Lancastrian Sex, only Bad Lancastrian Sex. (Unless, of course, incest is involved. See below.)
If a Lancastrian mother loves her son, she must also harbor a subconscious (or not so subconscious) desire to sleep with him.
Young Yorkist men must work hard at mastering the knightly arts because they have lofty chivalric ideals and long to prove their courage. Young Lancastrian men must work hard at mastering the knightly arts because they are psychotics who want to kill and maim people.
Yorkists must have big friendly dogs that follow them around worshipfully. Lancastrians must snap the necks of little birdies just for the fun of it.
A devoutly religious Yorkist woman must be described as pious. A devoutly religious Lancastrian woman must be described as a fanatic.
If a Yorkist should change sides (God forbid), it must be only for the purest of motives and must occur after agonizing soul-searching. If a Lancastrian must change sides, it’s because he’s a sneaky little rat.
If something untoward happens to a Yorkist, the retaliation by his family must be treated as necessary to uphold the family honor and to exact justice. If something untoward happens to a Lancastrian, the retaliation by his family must be treated as an act of mindless vengeance by twisted people who just can’t let bygones be bygones.
Any gossip about the sexual proclivities of a Lancastrian woman should not only be treated as unvarnished truth, but should be embroidered upon generously.
Ideally, a Lancastrian baby should be illegitimate, but if not, he or she must be the product of Bad Lancastrian Sex.
A Yorkist who marries a much younger woman must be treated as acting in accordance with the mores of his time. A Lancastrian who marries a much younger woman must be treated as a pedophile.
Formidable Yorkist women must be portrayed as strong, courageous matriarchs. Formidable Lancastrian women must be portrayed as domineering harpies.