Vegetarian FAQ!
When people find out that I'm a vegetarian, they often have a lot of questions (and comments, but FAQ&C just doesn't have the same ring to it.) So I thought I'd answer a few here. Maybe I can just give out this link in the future.
How long have you been a vegetarian?
As of this writing, 22 and a half years.
Why are you a vegetarian?
I became a vegetarian because I was uncomfortable eating meat. This had a lot to do with deforestation, at the time (1991). There was a lot of concern about the rainforests being cut down for cattle pasture, and I had read some stuff about the terrible environmental effects of the meat industry, so I figured not eating it could be a small thing I could do to help with environmental issues. Also, once in college I teased a horrible girl about her rabbit fur coat, and she asked, "when's the last time you had a cheeseburger?" I hated the fact that she was right. Later, when I got a dog and learned a little more about how animals on factory farms live (hint: they are tortured to death over a long period of time), I got really uncomfortable with supporting that. (Except for the ones on dairy farms.)
So, do you think you're better than me?
Yes, but not because I'm a vegetarian and you're not. I am an American in 2013 and therefore complicit in all kinds of human and animal suffering. I think everybody has an obligation to do what they can to reduce the horror in the world, but it's going to be a different thing for everybody. I chose to not eat meat because I've always been more of a carb guy anyway, so being a vegetarian was not a big sacrifice for me. My wife is the best person I know, and she's not a vegetarian.
Do you mind if I eat this tripe sandwich in front of you?
I honestly don't give a shit what you eat, and I think it would be quite rude of me to make disapproving comments about your food, especially while you're eating it.
Why are you always evangelizing about your diet?
I actually never do this. I meant it when I said I don't give a shit what you eat. This may come as a shock, but my dietary choices are not about you.
Can you eat fish?
I can. I can eat beef, pork, blood sausage, and fish, and haggis, and just about anything. But I choose not to.
Do you eat fish?
Fish are not vegetables.
Why are you such a humorless scold? Why can't you just enjoy life?
I can't really make people believe this, but being a vegetarian is not some noble ascetic sacrifice for me. I eat what I want to eat. As my frame will attest, I love to eat. Cooking and eating are two of the greatest pleasures of my life. And, as stated above, I don't give a shit what you eat.
A ha! But you wear leather shoes! And you eat cheese! Hypocrite!
You are correct. As noted above, I am complicit in all kinds of human and animal suffering. The fact that I don't do everything seems like a particularly cynical justification for doing nothing.
I could never be a vegetarian.
Yes you could. You just don't want to. Which, as noted above, is fine. This is why I'm not a vegan. I don't want to be. (I mean, I actually kind of want to be, but I want cheese more.)
What do you eat?
It's 2013, and Google exists. I feel like you should stop asking me this.
How do you get your protein?
What an unusually specific question this is. Do you quiz everyone on their nutritional intake? I think this question is actually more about you than me--like you want to prove that my diet is unsafe, which means that you can't follow it. You know that this cult of protein is not a real thing, right? That is to say the idea that you need a big hunk of protein in the middle of your plate in order to be properly fed is bullshit. But, anyway, I eat beans and tofu and hummus and felafel and cheese and the occasional vegetarian sausage or tofurky sandwich.
Eww! Vegetarian sausage? Tofurky? How do you eat that crap?
I believe it's rude to mock what other people eat, but I do think it's odd that people who eat actual sausage (as I did, happily for years--loved me some Bob Evans sausage gravy. And some deep-fried haggis) and therefore presumably know a bit about how actual sausage is made tell me that my food is gross.
Are your children vegetarian?
One is and two are not. And you often ask this in this tone like, "you wouldn't possibly subject a child to this madness, would you?" My elder daughter has never eaten meat in her sixteen and a half years of life.
But, so, you have to take her to the ER for periodic emergency meat infusions due to your irresponsible parenting, right? She's a sickly and pathetic waif, right?
Um. No. You don't need to eat meat to grow up healthy and happy.
But bacon! How do you live without bacon? You totally crave bacon, right?
Jesus, I know you like bacon. You never stop talking about it. The half of the internet that's not unfunny cat memes is about bacon. I'm glad you like bacon. I never really liked it that much--for me it was one of those foods that smells way better than it tastes.
