Query Critique - Driven by Kelly Heinen
Thank you, Kelly for sending this in! I hope this helps.
Please feel free to add any suggestions below.
Life’s strange: one minute you’re a drummer in a huge rock band, the next you’re knockin’ on death’s door. Jimmy Rickliefs figured he’d go out with a bang; that bang just turned into a whimper.
This is pretty good, I'd just shuffle it up a little bit. Clean the hook up by cutting the "Life's strange" and start by saying "One minute, Jimmy Rickliefs is a drummer..." then for the second sentence say, "He figured he would go out..."
Jimmy always thought he’d go out the rock star way:
Because you have just said "go out with" I'd change this statement somehow, or the one before to avoid repetition.
an overdose, or alcoholism would get him. But a car accident? Not in the cards.
Try to avoid asking questions in a query. You don't want the reader to ask the question for themselves and answer negatively. Try saying "But a car accident wasn't on the card."
And thanks to the town drunk, the blue-haired, outgoing drummer might never walk again. On top of that, he’s battling seizures which would make being a drummer nearly impossible.
Nearly impossible is passive. Just say difficult or something like that.
Faced with the possible end of his career, Jimmy has to make a tough decision: give up on the band, knowing that his family could face financial ruin(comma) or work his ass off to walk again and return to the only job he’s ever known. Jimmy’s options are limited. (cut) The stage that he loves has become the most dangerous place he could be. But he’s determined to provide for his growing family… (cut the ... and make it just a comma) and being a rock star is the only way he knows to do it.
DRIVEN is commercial fiction complete at 85,000 words with series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Please feel free to add any suggestions below.
Life’s strange: one minute you’re a drummer in a huge rock band, the next you’re knockin’ on death’s door. Jimmy Rickliefs figured he’d go out with a bang; that bang just turned into a whimper.
This is pretty good, I'd just shuffle it up a little bit. Clean the hook up by cutting the "Life's strange" and start by saying "One minute, Jimmy Rickliefs is a drummer..." then for the second sentence say, "He figured he would go out..."
Jimmy always thought he’d go out the rock star way:
Because you have just said "go out with" I'd change this statement somehow, or the one before to avoid repetition.
an overdose, or alcoholism would get him. But a car accident? Not in the cards.
Try to avoid asking questions in a query. You don't want the reader to ask the question for themselves and answer negatively. Try saying "But a car accident wasn't on the card."
And thanks to the town drunk, the blue-haired, outgoing drummer might never walk again. On top of that, he’s battling seizures which would make being a drummer nearly impossible.
Nearly impossible is passive. Just say difficult or something like that.
Faced with the possible end of his career, Jimmy has to make a tough decision: give up on the band, knowing that his family could face financial ruin(comma) or work his ass off to walk again and return to the only job he’s ever known. Jimmy’s options are limited. (cut) The stage that he loves has become the most dangerous place he could be. But he’s determined to provide for his growing family… (cut the ... and make it just a comma) and being a rock star is the only way he knows to do it.
DRIVEN is commercial fiction complete at 85,000 words with series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.
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