My Struggles – Part 3: Comparison
This is part three in a series I’ve wittily entitled “My Struggles,” which is basically me laying out just how human I am for you to judge and otherwise do with as you will.
We all struggle with very similar things, of this I’m fairly certain. One of the big no-nos of living a healthy life is comparing yourself to others. Comparison can serve a purpose from time to time, particularly when you want to over-inflate your ego or watch it burn.
In all seriousness it can serve a purpose if you use it as a guide-post, comparing what you’re doing or how you’re doing it to the work of a master and seeing how you stack up. Not to see if you’re as good as said ‘master,’ but to see how you can improve to better become like her. However once you start comparing yourself to them in a sense that reflects on your inherent worth, you’ve wandered into dangerous territory. Especially when you compare yourself to someone concerning something over which you have NO CONTROL. If you start doing this, like saying “I wish my eyes were blue instead of brown, then I’d be happy.” It’s time to slap yourself.
I don’t really compare myself to others all that often, to be honest. I don’t look at doctors or cosmonauts and wonder, “Where did I go wrong?” I’m on a path I want to be on, chasing dreams that are my own. But I do compare myself to the perceived success of others. A lot. (This falls into the category of things I can’t control)
This is most sharply pronounced when looking at other entertainers, particularly writers. Now I should say that I’ve made significant strides in this area, but the lessons hold their merit and the struggle isn’t fully won. Here’s what I’m learning:
1) Success is a moving target. It doesn’t matter what I achieve, there will always be someone doing greater or cooler things, and the definition of that can and will always change the closer I come to it. I have to define it for myself and reach for that, otherwise I’ll always be floundering as I look around at varying definitions embodied in other people.
2) I’m pretty young. If your’e 15 and reading this you’re probably thinking: “No you aren’t.” Well I hate to be the one to break it to you kid, but shut up. They say that your twenties are all about figuring out who you are and what you want to do with your life. This means if I can get it figured out within the next two years (today’s my 28th birthday, after all) I’m ahead of the game. It’s also a good reminder that I have the rest of my life (presumably a sizable chunk of time) to work towards my goals. There’s no rush. Even if the thought of dying with stories left untold is a driving force for me.
3) Happiness for others brings happiness to me. If I can look at these people who are doing things I wish I was doing and be happy for them, genuinely happy for what’s happening in their lives, I will be happier too. I try to imagine that whoever I’m looking at, be it John Green or Patrick Rothfuss, is a close friend who has struck it big. This makes me really happy for them, and suddenly my jealousy and bitter thoughts are gone. I’m genuinely happy for their success, which makes me wish only more success on them – which is a MUCH BETTER FEELING. And it brings me to my final point:
4) No one promised me anything anyways. It’s not about me. This life, my work, the world at large. None of it rotates around me, and no one promised that life would be easy or success would come cheap. In fact it seems pretty certain that the opposite is true for just about everyone. I’m no exception. I was put on this earth to work and to make something I can be proud of. Neither of those things are easy in and of themselves.
I think that point three is the most useful for everyone, if it’s possible to cover the breadth of humanity with a single pro tip. Assuming it is, that pro tip would be this: If you’re jealous of someone else, try to imagine that they’re someone you care for immensely and take a moment to be proud of them.
It should melt that jealousy right out of your system. At least that’s what helps me.
