Summer Query Extravaganza 14
So you know the drill. Contact me on twitter if you want your query showcased. Comment on the query before and after yours. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
I will have another Query Questions interview Monday July 22th with another great agent. So stay tuned.
Dear [agent], I need to have a contest to see who can come up with the best never-sent query greeting.
When a dying alien crashes into Chrissy’s car, she’s told the only way to save the planet—and her children—is to join an archaic group of galactic peacekeepers, the Knights of Mourning. Nice straightforward sentence. Is there anyway to spice it up? Try using unexpected verbs at the beginning. When a dying alien splatters/elephant-pounds into Chrissy's car... Chrissy joins up, but once she arrives at headquarters, the Knights tell her that humans need not apply. (Consider letting us figure out she joins, and this doesn't go with them being stuck with her. Why don't they kill her themselves to get rid of her. When she arrives at alien-bug headquarters, the Knights prefer the goo on the the bottom of their size 23 shoes to humans.) Worse, the only way out is through the morgue so they’re stuck with each other. (This made me think the morgue is inside the headquarters. maybe: Worse, the only way out of this organization is a one-way trip to the morgue, so they're stuck with each other.) A traitor is more than willing to help Chrissy collect her death benefits, but only a set of supposedly accidental deaths suggests the traitor even exists. (I would hold off on the traitor business. Consider cutting this sentence for now. And watch out for overusing 'only.')
With no choice but to take her on(Stuck with the flabby human), the Knights throw her a dead-end case: the some accidental deaths. Determined not to make a laughing stock out of humanity, Chrissy, a PhD wielding scientist, puts all her considerable intellect into solving the problem. That’s when she discovers the deaths are covering up the destruction of remote stars and planets associated with a secret research project. The trail leads back to a traitor within the Knights. Worse (One is your limit. lol) , another human worked on the doomed project, and now the traitor is coming for Sol. (Sorry, but you lost me. Who is Sol? Is that the other human? I can sense this is your stakes, but it doesn't mean anything to me as I don't know what Sol means to Chrissy.)
KNIGHT FALL, a science fiction similar to what might happen if Stephanie Plum joined Men In Black, is complete at 77,000 words. Awkward. Maybe: A science fiction complete at 77,000 words, KNIGHT FALL is what might happen if Stephanie Plum joined Men in Black.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
A little rearranging, some unexpected verbs, bigger and clearer stakes, and I think this will get some agent's attention! I hope this helps.
I will have another Query Questions interview Monday July 22th with another great agent. So stay tuned.
Dear [agent], I need to have a contest to see who can come up with the best never-sent query greeting.
When a dying alien crashes into Chrissy’s car, she’s told the only way to save the planet—and her children—is to join an archaic group of galactic peacekeepers, the Knights of Mourning. Nice straightforward sentence. Is there anyway to spice it up? Try using unexpected verbs at the beginning. When a dying alien splatters/elephant-pounds into Chrissy's car... Chrissy joins up, but once she arrives at headquarters, the Knights tell her that humans need not apply. (Consider letting us figure out she joins, and this doesn't go with them being stuck with her. Why don't they kill her themselves to get rid of her. When she arrives at alien-bug headquarters, the Knights prefer the goo on the the bottom of their size 23 shoes to humans.) Worse, the only way out is through the morgue so they’re stuck with each other. (This made me think the morgue is inside the headquarters. maybe: Worse, the only way out of this organization is a one-way trip to the morgue, so they're stuck with each other.) A traitor is more than willing to help Chrissy collect her death benefits, but only a set of supposedly accidental deaths suggests the traitor even exists. (I would hold off on the traitor business. Consider cutting this sentence for now. And watch out for overusing 'only.')
With no choice but to take her on(Stuck with the flabby human), the Knights throw her a dead-end case: the some accidental deaths. Determined not to make a laughing stock out of humanity, Chrissy, a PhD wielding scientist, puts all her considerable intellect into solving the problem. That’s when she discovers the deaths are covering up the destruction of remote stars and planets associated with a secret research project. The trail leads back to a traitor within the Knights. Worse (One is your limit. lol) , another human worked on the doomed project, and now the traitor is coming for Sol. (Sorry, but you lost me. Who is Sol? Is that the other human? I can sense this is your stakes, but it doesn't mean anything to me as I don't know what Sol means to Chrissy.)
KNIGHT FALL, a science fiction similar to what might happen if Stephanie Plum joined Men In Black, is complete at 77,000 words. Awkward. Maybe: A science fiction complete at 77,000 words, KNIGHT FALL is what might happen if Stephanie Plum joined Men in Black.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
A little rearranging, some unexpected verbs, bigger and clearer stakes, and I think this will get some agent's attention! I hope this helps.
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