We’re All Out of Wisdom and Transcendence Today – in which I get my rantypants on

We’re getting AC in our house this week. This is awesome because…well, I’m hot and I’d love to not be. But it just occurred to me, a new perk of this amazing system: Ceiling vents. Our floor vents will be plugged and we will have ceiling vents!!

This is a big deal because my son with autism poops in the vent in his room sometimes.

Ew. Right? Yep. EW.

Why am I telling you this? And why am I intro-ing with it? Because. I’ll explain.

This is kind of a ranty post. In the end, I’m not sure there’s a solution to my rant. I’m not sure anyone can win. Helpful, right? Well, I’m ranting it anyway.

When I tell people my son has autism, there are a few responses. Some make me want to hurl heavy objects at people (Have you tried gluten free? That CURES autism! Was it vaccines? WHAT DID YOU DO!?) And then there’s the responses that fall onto the positive end of the spectrum that still sometimes…well, they make me want to scream and run through a wall at this point. Because I’ve just heard it all so often.

I sort of just want to open with: My son has autism. Yes, I know Einstein didn’t talk till he was five. I KNOW some kids can play anything on the piano. And yes, I have heard of Temple Grandin. Many times. Many, many times.

People are well-meaning, and I know that. But sometimes when I’ve gotten my fifth uplifting book on all of autism’s specialness in a week’s time…I don’t care how well-meaning people are. That’s a TERRIBLE thing to say. Maisey, why would you say that?

Because I just cleaned POOP out of a heater vent. Because I don’t want to read a collection of essays about autism and the transcendent wisdom it gives to the people with it and those who parent those with it. Because today, I don’t have transcendence. Today, I have poop.

Very often, I have poop.

Or no social life, because I can’t just GO to a barbecue and talk to friends. Because I can’t GO have a play date. Because I can’t even GO to church. Because my son is at risk for wandering away, like so many kids with his condition do. Because even if he doesn’t wander away, well-meaning (see why sometimes well-meaning means nothing to me!?) people get on my case about him needing to be potty trained before he can be in a class at church because…well, they don’t have a class in church for a kid like him.

I love my son. And I love him just like he is. But I think sometimes people expect me to…to want to…I don’t know, celebrate the autism? There is, sometimes, a tendency for those around me to romanticize it in a way. And y’know, I’m on board with that sometimes. (I told you, this is a no-win rant, sorry) Because yeah, I love my kid and he’s special. He really is.

But that romantic outlook is SO SIMPLE. “BLAH BLAH TEMPLE GRANDIN BLAH BLAH EINSTEIN SPECIAL THINKING PIANO!”

Yes, great. But that’s simplified. It’s the beautiful, glossed over story of autism. But let me tell you right now, it’s HARD, you guys, it’s HARD. And sometimes people around me (mainly people who don’t know me that well) act like THEY have it all figured out. What diet my son should be on, how I should feel about his particular challenges…some people even try to tell me THEY AREN’T REAL! (This is where ‘Einstein didn’t talk till he was 5′ comes in)

But these people aren’t here cleaning poop out of my vents at one in the morning. That would be me.

I don’t know what advice to give, at the end of this rant, to those of you who have good intentions and only want to help. Maybe this post is only for the moms and dads and grandmas and grandpas and various other assorted loved ones of those with special needs. So they know that someone else thinks these things. So they know someone else is sitting here feeling like their HANDS will never be clean again, and that someone else is frustrated too. So they know that everyone’s life with autism, except for theirs, isn’t condensed to uplifting news stories about amazing achievements.

But that in reality, there are other people in the trenches with you.

Or maybe not. Maybe it’s for other people too. And if so…

I guess the best advice I can give is to be cautious in what you say. To think about it. To try and let the person dealing with the delicate situation, be it an illness, a special need, a divorce or any other difficult situation, lead the conversation.

And to know that, even if I do post a ranty post about something later…I probably did appreciate your intent. Because even if something frustrates or offends for a moment, love covers a lot of things.

So that was my rant. Sorry about all the poop.