CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: RAISING A CHILD
Congratulations! You’re having a child! If you’re a woman, you’ve become pregnant! If you’re a man, you’ve become pregnant! (This is what comes of living beneath an electricity pylon). But parenting is fraught with dangers – how do you make sure your child grows up right? How does one instil the correct values? How to raise a dazzling, talented lawyer, and not someone selling pirated VHS tapes in the alley behind a sex supermarket?
Well never fear, for now you can practice, with CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: RAISING A CHILD! If it turns out wrong? Abandon it at a bus stop and start all over again! Have fun!
1. Your belly swells with child, and all your friends and relatives insist on poking your stomach and cooing. You adopt the pensive smile of the pregnant, as a defence mechanism against punching them in the throat. You don’t even notice their pity that your husbandwifepartner ran off with the housekeeper (who incidentally, is pregnant with his quintuplets). You are hungry though! You eat everything in sight: cereal, house plants, the contents of the bottles under the sink. In an attempt to assuage your insatiable appetite, your stepfather brings you a dozen unmarked bags from the disease-ridden burger van outside.
Do you:
A: Hells yeah! I’m gonna gorge on all of it, no matter how much raw blood drips down my fingers! (Go to part 4)
B: There are a lot of flies in these bags. Perhaps I’ll just eat half of them. (Go to part 3)
C: MEAT IS MURDER! MEAT IS MURDER! (Go to part 8)
2. Well done! You child is growing up nice and normal. Before you know it they’re ten years old. Time for them to start education! You want to send them to a good-old Catholic school, to instil a proper sense of discipline and an appropriate fear of their own body, but unfortunately you find it has been replaced with an interfaith school, as part of Political Correctness Gone Mad. What to do?
A: Send them to a state school! Think of all the time you’ll have to yourself – going for a walk, staring at the ceiling, looking through the neighbour’s windows. Luxury! (Go to part 7)
B: If there is no school established in the name of God, then you shall have to educate the child yourself! Home-school it is! (Go to part 14)
3. You give birth to a gurning baby girl! You can tell she’s going to be successful, as she’s already pierced her own ears and is using the grime from the hospital floor as make-up! You name her ‘Snookie Kardashian Sex and the City 2′ and bring her home, ignoring the harsh judgements and hateful comments from the other mothers. When you get in you put her down on the floor as the cat licks her face.
What are you going to do with her?
A: Read to her! Knowledge is power! (Go to part 5)
B: Play with her! Fun is essential. (Go to part 13)
C: Make her clean the house – all good girls need to know how to clean! (Go to part 2)
4. You give birth to a bouncing baby boy! As soon as he’s out of the womb he’s hunting mice and growling. So much vim and vigour! You name him ‘RAGNAROK CUTHBERT MEGASLAYER’, the frightened nurses hand him to you with a pair of tongs, and you bring your bundle of joy home. Sure, he’s wearing the skin of the family cat, but boys will be boys!
Do you:
A: Read to him – reading is important, and the stories will enhance his creative abilities! (Go to part 5)
B: Play with him! Sports sports sports! (Go to part 6)
5. You start reading to your child – you’re going to raise a regular little Einstein! You’re barely two books in when you notice a pair of glasses on their little face – were those there before? You finish The Three Little Pigs when you see them gulping on an asthma inhaler. It’s strange, but you carry on, undeterred. It is only as you’re on the final pages of George Orwell’s 1984 that you notice the Matrix t-shirt, original Game Boy, and sense of superiority. You don’t know if you’ve raised a geek or a hipster, but you aren’t going to let it live long enough to find out.
GAME OVER (Go back to start)
6. You play with your child, directing him over to the toybox. His hand slowly hovers over different toys: the race car – no. The football – no. The GI Joe Civilian-Murdering Elite Force action figure? No. No no no. He’s gone for a Barbie! How did that get in there?!
A: Let him play with the Barbie. What’s the worst that can happen? (Go to part 10)
B: You’ll have none of this! Burn the Barbie, then burn all his books and replace them with 100% HETERO PORNOGRAPHY. (Go to part 2)
7. You leave the child at the school gates, watching it scamper inside to interact with other children for the first time. Within thirty seconds, its lunch money has been stolen and it is almost lynched from the basketball hoop. The meth-addled teachers do nothing. Your child is being bullied!
A: Tell your child to say “I’m rubber and you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.’ It must have worked for someone at some point! (Go to part 12)
B: Hand your child a knife. (Go to part 11)
8. The tabloid newspapers were right! About everything! Without the nourishing effects of red meat, you slowly shrink away. Your family attempt to feed you some pig’s blood through a tube, but with your last ounce of strength you prevent them. All that is left of you are your clothes, some hair, and your fillings. Try eating a live pigeon next time!
GAME OVER (Go back to start)
9. Instead of mathematics, science, and literature, you teach your child about burning bushes and pig-murdering prophets. Congratulations, your child has become GOD-FEARING! They might not know how volcanoes are formed, but they sure know they happen because the Lord is angry! Before you know it they’re out on the street, looking for children of other faiths to attack.
A: This isn’t God’s way! Jesus was about peace! Teach your child about tolerance, and understanding. (Go to part 10)
B: ONWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIER! (Go to part 18)
10. Horrors! You’ve raised a drag-wearing, Bible-defying, same-sex-humping homosexual! Before it’s even hit the age of 5 it’s moved to a trendy city, got a job in the creative arts, and only ever calls to criticise your outfits (HOW DO THEY KNOW?!) Your church group is abuzz with chatter about your child’s deviance, and instead of getting to talk with the lovely vicar, you’re left making the weak orange drink and arranging the plates of bland stale biscuits. You can barely live down the shame.
GAME OVER (Go back to start)
11. Huzzangs, your child is attending school and actually starting to fit in! Their first piece of homework is an art project – and what kind of parent would you be if you didn’t help? They want to make a collage or some stupid thing, but you have better ideas. What kind of parent would you be if you let your child make their own choices?
A: Make a nude sculpture, just like the ancient Greeks. Very arty! (Go to part 10)
B: Your child needs a sense of national pride! Have them make a military-and-flag-themed painting! (Go to part 15)
C: Nature is just the best! Have them make an eco-themed piece! (Go to part 19)
12. You receive a letter from the school, informing you that your child’s life is in serious danger if they continue to attend. Home-schooling, it is! (Go to part 14)
13. Your little girl starts climbing trees and exploring forests. Before you know it, she’s cut her hair short, and her face automatically repels any lovely make-up you try putting there. Wait – is that – is that a beard? Egads! You’ve raised a tomboy! You try putting a dress on her to correct her abhorrent behaviour, but she jumps out the window. Rounding up the neighbours, you patrol the garden with a large net. For a moment you spot her high in a tree, covered head-to-toe in thick hair. She swings from branch to branch with her tail, until she is gone.
GAME OVER (Go back to start)
14. You read Wikipedia for a whole 30 minutes in order to prepare you child for home-school. You feel ready – you know that iron is a metal, Victoria was an English queen – and you can even locate France on a map! But your child has so many questions! And what the hell is ‘physics’? You don’t speak Italian! This is harder than you thought.
A: Send them to a library! Those things are full of knowledge! (Go to part 10)
B: Read them the Bible! It’s the only Truth they need to know! (Go to part 9)
C: Just make stuff up. They won’t know the difference! (Go to part 17)
15. Well done for giving your child a sense of pride in their NATION. Sure, they’re refusing to learn foreign languages now, but what’s that compared to the idolatry of celebrating a fictional construction created a couple of centuries ago?
Unfortunately you learn that your child’s next class is sex education! You can’t have them learning about titties and bums and vacuum cleaners! What should you do?
A: Take them out of school and get them reading a Bible, pronto! (Go to part 9)
B: Let them have their sex education. What’s the harm? Isn’t is best to be knowledgeable and protected? (Go to part 10)
C: Have the child opt-out of sex education, and give them your own sex-ed classes! (Go to part 16)
16. Instead of learning how to put on condoms and take the pill, you teach your child that their genitals are spiritually dirty and that touching someone else’s private parts will give them bubonic plague. Your child grows up into a highly-fearful and extremely abstinent teenager, afraid of giving in to lust in case it makes their private parts rot away. They spread their fear, giving sermons on the horrors of sex until they’re spotted by a very impressed Vatican. Your child is made Pope! They spend the rest of their days preventing condom use and increasing the spread of HIV. What a proud parent you are!
THE END (Go to the end of the article)
17. Your child is growing up ignorant! They become incapable of learning, and you have to do everything for them – from brushing their teeth to turning on the television set. They’re vacantly staring into space a lot of the time. Is this something to worry about?
A: This is healthy! You don’t want a nerdy child! Keep making stuff up! (Go to part 20)
B: Uh-oh, better send them to a real school. (Go to part 7)
18. You fill your child with a strong sense of hatred and loathing toward anyone remotely different to them. They spend their remaining childhood spraying swastikas on bus stops, screaming at Humanists, and burning down mosques. As a teenager they join a white nationalist movement, but are thrown out for being too intolerant. You joyfully watch your child grow into a monster. Eventually they’re head-hunted by Rupert Murdoch, who gets them a job as a tabloid journalist. Your child helps the country transition from a peaceful democracy into a genocidal dictatorship. You could not be prouder.
THE END (Go to the end of the article)
19. Your child gains an increasing interest in nature. It starts with nature walks, then moves on to camping, and before you know it dreadlocks have sprouted and they are incapable of bathing. They’ve renamed themselves ‘Moonbeam Lightshine’, the house is awash in patchouli oil, and before you get a chance to disown them they’ve run away to join a commune. You spend the rest of your days denying the fact that you ever had a child.
GAME OVER (Go back to start)
20. Your child grows up with an incredible lack of knowledge about the world, and a bizarre aversion to learning absolutely anything. Acquiring knowledge based on a mixture of television soap operas, uneducated guesses, and general hearsay, they become a teenager so shockingly ignorant you actually start to worry you may have made a mistake somewhere. But where? You were perfect! Meanwhile you insist that the world is round, that Portugal is a country, and that cars don’t run on magic, but to no avail. They start visiting the local tavern, where they spend the day sharing ‘facts’ with the other regulars. Congratulations, you’ve raised ‘the (wo)man down the pub’!
THE END (Go to the end of the article)
Well done, you’ve managed to raise a kid into a healthy, productive member of society. Well, a member of society, sort of. Join us next week when we tell you when you die!
- Parentfern
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