Query Critique - Crossing Lau Dai La by Hong Tran
Here is this week's query critique. A big thank you to Hong Tran for sending this through for me to look at. Again, leave comments and suggests for her to help out!
I’m seeking representation for CROSSING LAU DAI LA, a MG fantasy that blends Vietnamese folklore and Western mythical creatures.
So this should be at the end. You need your hook to be first. I would also cut "I'm seeking representation for" and say, "CROSSING LAU DAI LA is a MG...." But looking down, you seem to have information in your last paragraph, I'd blend it together there.
Eleven-year-old Linh Briggston loves Vietnamese fairy tales. She even daydreams about them that she almost never listens to her mother.
So, these two sentences would be a stronger hook as one. Try something like this: Eleven-year-old Linh Briggston daydreams about Vietnamese fairy tales so much that she rarely listens her mother. You could make it stronger in your own words. And drop the almost never, for rarely as almost never is weak.
Linh’s dreams come true when a winged horse whisks her away from Ireland to the parallel world of Lau Dai La.
Okay, this should be your hook. This is what makes your story unique and interesting. You should find a way to incorporate this into your first sentence.
There, she meets the power-hungry Kerai who have destroyed that land with their dark magic.
When the Kerai learn that Linh is a human, they capture her and force her to retrieve a crossbow that will allow them to bridge their land to Earth. Linh refuses until they deliver her an ultimatum: locate the weapon or her mother will die. During her imprisonment, Linh encounters a fairy named Tombo who promises that he can help locate the crossbow if she takes him back to Earth.
But he’s one magical creature whose friendship doesn’t come easy.
This sentence feels a bit sloppy. Maybe just "But Tombo's friendship doesn't come easily." We know he's magical because he's a fairy :-)Linh must work with him to find the crossbow for the Kerai and save her mother before it’s too late. (Cut)
Complete at 44,000 words, CROSSING LAU DAI LA will appeal to fans of Rick Riordan’s PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS series and Grace Lin's WHERE THE MOUNTAIN MEETS THE MOON. The complete novel stands alone, but has series potential.
As I said said earlier, bring the info about the book at the beginning and incorporate it here.
I’m seeking representation for CROSSING LAU DAI LA, a MG fantasy that blends Vietnamese folklore and Western mythical creatures.
So this should be at the end. You need your hook to be first. I would also cut "I'm seeking representation for" and say, "CROSSING LAU DAI LA is a MG...." But looking down, you seem to have information in your last paragraph, I'd blend it together there.
Eleven-year-old Linh Briggston loves Vietnamese fairy tales. She even daydreams about them that she almost never listens to her mother.
So, these two sentences would be a stronger hook as one. Try something like this: Eleven-year-old Linh Briggston daydreams about Vietnamese fairy tales so much that she rarely listens her mother. You could make it stronger in your own words. And drop the almost never, for rarely as almost never is weak.
Linh’s dreams come true when a winged horse whisks her away from Ireland to the parallel world of Lau Dai La.
Okay, this should be your hook. This is what makes your story unique and interesting. You should find a way to incorporate this into your first sentence.
There, she meets the power-hungry Kerai who have destroyed that land with their dark magic.
When the Kerai learn that Linh is a human, they capture her and force her to retrieve a crossbow that will allow them to bridge their land to Earth. Linh refuses until they deliver her an ultimatum: locate the weapon or her mother will die. During her imprisonment, Linh encounters a fairy named Tombo who promises that he can help locate the crossbow if she takes him back to Earth.
But he’s one magical creature whose friendship doesn’t come easy.
This sentence feels a bit sloppy. Maybe just "But Tombo's friendship doesn't come easily." We know he's magical because he's a fairy :-)Linh must work with him to find the crossbow for the Kerai and save her mother before it’s too late. (Cut)
Complete at 44,000 words, CROSSING LAU DAI LA will appeal to fans of Rick Riordan’s PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS series and Grace Lin's WHERE THE MOUNTAIN MEETS THE MOON. The complete novel stands alone, but has series potential.
As I said said earlier, bring the info about the book at the beginning and incorporate it here.
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