A Pledge to My Child, Who Is Almost Two

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Jesus, what a mess we’ve left for you, Nicholas.

You’re too young to read these words right now, but it’s important that I write them, because the world is such a weird place. Until I met your Mama, I never thought I’d be a father. But now that I am, I owe it to you to try to do the best I can, and to tell you some things that it took me a long time to learn.  In a way this is selfish; you’re my last best chance to fight evil in the world.  I’m writing this for you, and for me, too, because I know I’ll slip up every now and again, and so I want to write this as a pledge, as a point of reference for you, but also for me.

Your Dad is a religious man, in a sense, but this is all stuff that comes from beyond the realm of religion and the spiritual and all that. Religion isn’t a bad thing; the way people interpret religion can cause a lot of hurt, but so can the way people interpret science. And so religion isn’t going to save the world, and neither is science. Politics certainly won’t help; no amount of marching in the streets is going to make a bit of difference as far as your Dad’s concerned. So what will make a difference? You. You’re our secret weapon, my son, if you decide you want to be.

This isn’t any kind of standard; I’m not trying to set you up to be some kind of ‘idealized version’ of myself. But, part of my responsibility as a father is to try to teach you how to interact with the world; I’d better get my shit together. This isn’t on you, it’s on me. I’m the one who helped bring you into this place, so I’d better get a little responsible. So, my son, here is my pledge to you. 

1.  I will try to teach you that you are where you are– happy, clothed, fed (all that mac and cheese and strawberries!)– in a large part because you are privileged.  Those people who claim that you’re not are wrong.  I will try to teach you the often subtle reasons that this is the case; I’m sure sometimes it will be difficult, but I will at least try. You may sometimes feel as though this isn’t the case; there will always be people who seem more privileged than you, but this is a different kind of privilege. This is something you were born with.

2. I will try to teach you that people of color aren’t “scary” or “threatening” or “other.”  Lots of people, some of whom are on TV and on the internet, will try to tell you that “we’ve moved on from racism,” that “there is no such thing as race– we’re all HUMAN,” or that white men no longer have any responsibility for the ills of our forebears. They are wrong. They don’t see the problem as it is. I will try to help you understand that you’ll never really know what life is like for people who have been so recently oppressed, and that that’s okay, provided you allow them the power of their own experience.

3. I will try to teach you that misogyny is real and epidemic, in spite of what your online friends may tell you. This is why you must embrace feminism. The die has been cast against women for so long, in so many ways, that it can be difficult to tell when you’re participating in the culture of misogyny. I will try to help you learn. And, I’d bet your bottom dollar your Mama will help. 

4. I will try to teach you that every person, regardless of sexual orientation, has the absolute right to love another person, unconditionally, and to give that other person the full legal status of a family member.

5. I will try to teach you that the real enemy is the intersection of power and greed. The only real conspiracies are the conspiracies that keep the wealthy people of the world wealthy, that keep the poor and minorities of the world oppressed, that restrict women in so many ways. Ironically, most of the people involved in these conspiracies come from the same place of privilege that you occupy, which is why you need to be extra careful not to buy into their nonsense. 

6. I will try to teach you that all commercials are lies, and that eating vegetables is awesome, and that vaccines are generally good things.

7. I will try to teach you that death is permanent. War is always wrong, guns are designed to kill animals and people, video games are a lot different than reality. Does that mean you’ll never shoot a gun or play a violent video game? Absolutely not. It means I will try to teach you the seriousness of using a weapon, either real or virtual.

8. However, I will also try to teach you that that it’s always worth it to start by allowing the other person the benefit of the doubt. 90% of people want to be good; ignorance is far more insidious than outright hatred.

9. I will do my best to remind you that you have a mom and a dad who love you, and grandparents and uncles and aunts and friends who love you. You might disagree with what your family members say or do sometimes, but never doubt their love for you. And that’s a super-important lesson, too: there’s a lot of serious and difficult material on this list, but you don’t have to learn a lick of it and you’ll still be loved. Not everybody is born in this circumstance– you should appreciate it. Always. 

(Addendum: I also pledge never to move back to Florida unless that state gets its shit together. Florida, man. Sheesh!)