Scrap summer!

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I’ve decided British summer sucks. I’ve actually long suspected this, but over the last two years I’ve realised it’s true. British summers are either woeful washouts or satanic sizzlers which just irritate and embarrass the nation.

The current heatwave is typical: the second the sun came out Britain went into frenzy mode, with overexcited people deciding it’s sunny and so we must get out there and do something – now!

The trouble is that few people know what that something should be, so it frequently proves to be an ill-judged something such as developing savage sunburn, drinking insufficiently-chilled rosé wine, starting fights or, worst of all, having picnics and barbecues. The horror!

Many countries know how to thrive in hot weather. I think us Brits are just puzzled by it, however hard some of us pretend otherwise as we sit in our ridiculous shorts, pretending we’re enjoying these conditions which make us feel ill.

We can’t even forecast it correctly anymore. Three weeks ago they were telling us there would be ‘no summer for 10 years’. Now they’re telling us this heatwave won’t end until August. Everyone who made the former prediction should be made to sit fully-clothed in the midday sun listening to Cliff Richard’s Summer Holiday on loop until this heatwave ends.

Summer is, for me, the annoying little shit that sits between the two loveliest seasons of the year: spring and autumn. Meteorologically, I adore the moderates. If I had my way we would increase spring and autumn by 50% each and abolish the British summer altogether.

Let people who enjoy this sort of weather visit other countries, where the people, culture and infrastructure are attuned to it. Meanwhile, let’s abolish the British summer immediately. Bring on autumn!

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