Sorry I haven't blogged in so long/Beware: Vent Fest!!!
Hi everyone! Just wanted to say I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a while. Very happy and appreciative of all the great reviews and ratings I've gotten here on GR for "Crush"!!!
WARNING: this blog is me ranting and rambling about different topics. You may be bored or annoyed. It's just me expressing my thoughts.
I'd been planning to make a youtube about why I wrote a scene in "Crush" in which Jamie puts on a condom before having sex with his husband Tammy. I want to assure those readers that it wasn't about trust. Tammy and Jamie are a monogamous couple. Tammy had more experience with sex, but before he and Jamie began their long overdue relationship, Tammy had become celibate. Jamie had been a Gray A who desired no one but Tammy. When I wrote this condom scene, my mind was on the quote I heard from Brian Kinney in an episode of "Queer As Folk", "Never have sex without a condom." In a way, I was afraid readers would criticize my very seldom mentionings of condoms in the book. Also, I used the condom to stress that Jamie was having penetrative sex for the first time in his life. Up until that moment, Jamie was always the "bottom". Tammy wanted to be topped, wanted them both to know what it's like to change places with each other. It was like a milestone for Jamie to be the one who would penetrate rather than receive. He had been reluctant to top Tammy. He had also had issues with other sex acts because of the horrific abuse he endured. He had this horror that somehow, if he engaged in certain acts, he would "become" his father, who raped and abused him for seven years. It was not "necessary" for him to wear a condom, because there were no trust issues between them anymore. It was just a way to demonstrate responsible sexual practices and to emphasize Jamie's milestone. I hope this helps anyone who got offended by that particular scene. I remain very appreciative of any feedback and thoughts about Crush :)
I've been kind of depressed and anxious for a month now. On June 11th I went to a hospital because I had fluid in my lungs and couldn't breathe very well. I got a lot of tests done, including a CT scan of my chest. They found a mass in my left breast, along with abnormal nodules in my left lung, a nodule or two in the mediastinum (around my heart) and some abnormal tissue inflammation in my esophagus.
I'm telling everyone this because talking about it eases my anxiety, and I like to share my life with people. I'm really frightened but trying not to let it show to my family. I'm trying to be strong, but I'm really afraid. I'm begging my regular doctors to hurry up and order the follow up testing to see if the tumors have grown in the past 5-6 weeks, but as yet the tests are not being ordered and when the office promises to call me to tell me what's going on, they do not. I've had a dry hacking cough for a while, but it's gotten worse in the past several weeks.
Ramble ramble ramble, but that's what I do when I'm nervous. Will ObamaCare make a huge difference when it begins? Will America one day decide that all disabled and inferm are worthless and disposable?
It makes me all the more glad that I've written Crush and Bright and all the short stories I've written. I plan to write more, and hope I live to write them.
I am an asexual. I will never get married and I will never have children. I've never hated men (I have had 4 boyfriends and several "almost" boyfriends. My first kiss was at age 18 with a very good male friend, but we didn't get together) and I've never hated children. I just have no desire for them in any way. I find men and women attractive, but it's purely aesthetic, perhaps even romantic, but never sexual. I hate watching hetero love scenes in movies, and yet I salivate over m/m love scenes in books and movies/TV. For that alone, I am thought of as a pervert/deviant. Writing "Crush" and "Bright" has been an absolute joy for me. This is the way I express myself sexually. I do not have sex. I write sex, and I write sex with joy and pain. The lovers in my books have to be humans who have suffered in some way. I want 2 people to find each other, have a fierce bond with each other, and fall deeply and sincerely in love. Their love must be strong enough to endure anything that comes their way. In my soon to be published "Bright" you will meet 2 lovers that I hope will touch you as deeply as Tammy and Jamie have :)
I was born asexual, and I feel no "void" in my life made by an absence of men, women or children. I will be honest...I am not the happiest person on this planet, but I am CONTENT. I am at ease. 99% of the time, I am not lonely. I have so many hobbies and activities that keep me engaged it seems too many people around only irritate me.
My religious Grandmother told me officially a few nights ago that she believes a woman who is not attracted to men is just as "abnormal" as a woman attracted to other women. She is a smart and sharp-witted 86 year old woman, but she chooses to live with a narrowed perspective of the world. She talks about why things should be a certain way, and how angry and outraged she is that there are homosexuals getting married, and black people marrying white people, and she does not like independent women at all, women who like being single...women who like to be alone and don't pine for romance.
I'll never change her. She lives by the King James Holy Bible and believes it's the literal word of God. If that book says something, she takes it the way her preachers tell her to take it, and applies it to every thought and decision. She does not accept me as an asexual. I have to accept that she will not accept me.
When the depression hits me, it's powerful, and it's not just simple sadness or hopelessness, it's a subtle panic that keeps me awake during the night. When I see the sun coming up, I feel relief, then I sleep. Sometimes, after running out of my antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds, I'm too ill to drive 6 miles to have them refilled. Once I'm able to get my meds back, they really help me. The pain killers help too of course. I'm concerned that I'll become a drug addict for the Xanax and Vicodin, but I'm also becoming terrified of being depressed and hopeless and the pain I've been in? I've become terrified of that as well.
What am I trying to say with all of this? I don't know. I'm just expressing myself. I'm worried, I'm sad. I'm also very happy. I am an author now. I'm published. People are responding to a book I wrote, containing my thoughts and beliefs. I've written a document about the new Civil Rights struggle. It's fiction, yes, but it's a story of what is happening today. Perhaps, in the future, when gay marriage and gay rights are a norm and there is no more fighting, no more legislative battling, no more hateful preaching, no more heartbreaking suicide, no more evil hate crimes, people will read Crush and shake their heads at how terrible the LGBTQ community was treated at one time.
I've also written a story about child abuse. It's happening right now, to children all over the world. The ultimate evil, in my opinion, is to hurt others, to hurt them and stomp on them over and over until their spirits are broken. That is evil, especially when the perpetrators KNOW that they are breaking spirits. There is human trafficking and slavery happening now, and horrible things are being done to human beings of all ages. People who use, exploit, rape, torture and murder other lifeforms are the people I believe are going to "hell", if there is such a place/thing.
People who love people who happen to be the same sex as they are...people who simply want to have love, marriage and children are being denied their rights because other people think they're evil, because they think some BOOK says so. Instead of going after and persecuting child abusers and murderers, "God-fearing" people are persecuting the gay communities and blaming them for the world's problems. It's insane.
My grandmother and those who think like her believe in a God who, because he created us, has the right to do whatever he wants, dangle temptations before us, put us through terrible things that can break us, allow terrible human beings to hurt us...they believe in a puppet master God who is constantly "testing" us with trials and horrors, sitting up there pleased with those who somehow resist and wrathful at those who broke down. They ignore the fact that human beings were given brains with which to reason and study, and thus ignore the new discoveries about human behavior. I sincerely believe that sexual orientation is something that we are born with, not something we choose or slowly come into as we develop. But I also get angry about this "choice" thing. What if it IS a choice? Is that so terrible? Go after those who "choose" to abuse and rape children, not those who "choose" to fall in love with people who are the same sex!
God has blessed me with a mind, and I'm going to use that mind. I refuse to just swallow what some preacher at a pulpit tells me based on some book which IMO has been altered, not to mention poorly translated. I believe God will one day explain why he/she allowed such things to happen to innocent children, why horrible people are allowed to roam the planet hurting and abusing others. I don't believe in a God who sits up in the sky heating the burners for those who are hellbound according to the preachers of hate and bigotry. I believe God is love and that one day, everything will be explained to us, that we'll have answers.
I've watched lots of documentaries about the LGBTQ communities. The mother of a lesbian who committed suicide said, "I began to pray differently. I began to pray to 'the being who created me' to give me the truth." That's what I've done in the past year or so. I've decided to rethink everything I'd been "taught" and to rewire my mind. God is not mean and eager to torture and condemn people for any and every little thing that doesn't jive with some man made book.
I will talk at length about this sort of thing in "Bright", the story of two young men who live in rural Americana, far from any Pride parades or PFLAG chapters. They live with a bright but electively narrow minded woman who calls herself a godly person but who works behind the scenes to create chaos and heartbreak. I'm sure Bright will create discussions, controversy and questions, and I will be happy to answer those and explain my motives as I have with Crush.
I think I blogged all this to clear my mind of the cobwebs that have been building up for a few weeks. If you've read this far, thank you for letting me vent :)
WARNING: this blog is me ranting and rambling about different topics. You may be bored or annoyed. It's just me expressing my thoughts.
I'd been planning to make a youtube about why I wrote a scene in "Crush" in which Jamie puts on a condom before having sex with his husband Tammy. I want to assure those readers that it wasn't about trust. Tammy and Jamie are a monogamous couple. Tammy had more experience with sex, but before he and Jamie began their long overdue relationship, Tammy had become celibate. Jamie had been a Gray A who desired no one but Tammy. When I wrote this condom scene, my mind was on the quote I heard from Brian Kinney in an episode of "Queer As Folk", "Never have sex without a condom." In a way, I was afraid readers would criticize my very seldom mentionings of condoms in the book. Also, I used the condom to stress that Jamie was having penetrative sex for the first time in his life. Up until that moment, Jamie was always the "bottom". Tammy wanted to be topped, wanted them both to know what it's like to change places with each other. It was like a milestone for Jamie to be the one who would penetrate rather than receive. He had been reluctant to top Tammy. He had also had issues with other sex acts because of the horrific abuse he endured. He had this horror that somehow, if he engaged in certain acts, he would "become" his father, who raped and abused him for seven years. It was not "necessary" for him to wear a condom, because there were no trust issues between them anymore. It was just a way to demonstrate responsible sexual practices and to emphasize Jamie's milestone. I hope this helps anyone who got offended by that particular scene. I remain very appreciative of any feedback and thoughts about Crush :)
I've been kind of depressed and anxious for a month now. On June 11th I went to a hospital because I had fluid in my lungs and couldn't breathe very well. I got a lot of tests done, including a CT scan of my chest. They found a mass in my left breast, along with abnormal nodules in my left lung, a nodule or two in the mediastinum (around my heart) and some abnormal tissue inflammation in my esophagus.
I'm telling everyone this because talking about it eases my anxiety, and I like to share my life with people. I'm really frightened but trying not to let it show to my family. I'm trying to be strong, but I'm really afraid. I'm begging my regular doctors to hurry up and order the follow up testing to see if the tumors have grown in the past 5-6 weeks, but as yet the tests are not being ordered and when the office promises to call me to tell me what's going on, they do not. I've had a dry hacking cough for a while, but it's gotten worse in the past several weeks.
Ramble ramble ramble, but that's what I do when I'm nervous. Will ObamaCare make a huge difference when it begins? Will America one day decide that all disabled and inferm are worthless and disposable?
It makes me all the more glad that I've written Crush and Bright and all the short stories I've written. I plan to write more, and hope I live to write them.
I am an asexual. I will never get married and I will never have children. I've never hated men (I have had 4 boyfriends and several "almost" boyfriends. My first kiss was at age 18 with a very good male friend, but we didn't get together) and I've never hated children. I just have no desire for them in any way. I find men and women attractive, but it's purely aesthetic, perhaps even romantic, but never sexual. I hate watching hetero love scenes in movies, and yet I salivate over m/m love scenes in books and movies/TV. For that alone, I am thought of as a pervert/deviant. Writing "Crush" and "Bright" has been an absolute joy for me. This is the way I express myself sexually. I do not have sex. I write sex, and I write sex with joy and pain. The lovers in my books have to be humans who have suffered in some way. I want 2 people to find each other, have a fierce bond with each other, and fall deeply and sincerely in love. Their love must be strong enough to endure anything that comes their way. In my soon to be published "Bright" you will meet 2 lovers that I hope will touch you as deeply as Tammy and Jamie have :)
I was born asexual, and I feel no "void" in my life made by an absence of men, women or children. I will be honest...I am not the happiest person on this planet, but I am CONTENT. I am at ease. 99% of the time, I am not lonely. I have so many hobbies and activities that keep me engaged it seems too many people around only irritate me.
My religious Grandmother told me officially a few nights ago that she believes a woman who is not attracted to men is just as "abnormal" as a woman attracted to other women. She is a smart and sharp-witted 86 year old woman, but she chooses to live with a narrowed perspective of the world. She talks about why things should be a certain way, and how angry and outraged she is that there are homosexuals getting married, and black people marrying white people, and she does not like independent women at all, women who like being single...women who like to be alone and don't pine for romance.
I'll never change her. She lives by the King James Holy Bible and believes it's the literal word of God. If that book says something, she takes it the way her preachers tell her to take it, and applies it to every thought and decision. She does not accept me as an asexual. I have to accept that she will not accept me.
When the depression hits me, it's powerful, and it's not just simple sadness or hopelessness, it's a subtle panic that keeps me awake during the night. When I see the sun coming up, I feel relief, then I sleep. Sometimes, after running out of my antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds, I'm too ill to drive 6 miles to have them refilled. Once I'm able to get my meds back, they really help me. The pain killers help too of course. I'm concerned that I'll become a drug addict for the Xanax and Vicodin, but I'm also becoming terrified of being depressed and hopeless and the pain I've been in? I've become terrified of that as well.
What am I trying to say with all of this? I don't know. I'm just expressing myself. I'm worried, I'm sad. I'm also very happy. I am an author now. I'm published. People are responding to a book I wrote, containing my thoughts and beliefs. I've written a document about the new Civil Rights struggle. It's fiction, yes, but it's a story of what is happening today. Perhaps, in the future, when gay marriage and gay rights are a norm and there is no more fighting, no more legislative battling, no more hateful preaching, no more heartbreaking suicide, no more evil hate crimes, people will read Crush and shake their heads at how terrible the LGBTQ community was treated at one time.
I've also written a story about child abuse. It's happening right now, to children all over the world. The ultimate evil, in my opinion, is to hurt others, to hurt them and stomp on them over and over until their spirits are broken. That is evil, especially when the perpetrators KNOW that they are breaking spirits. There is human trafficking and slavery happening now, and horrible things are being done to human beings of all ages. People who use, exploit, rape, torture and murder other lifeforms are the people I believe are going to "hell", if there is such a place/thing.
People who love people who happen to be the same sex as they are...people who simply want to have love, marriage and children are being denied their rights because other people think they're evil, because they think some BOOK says so. Instead of going after and persecuting child abusers and murderers, "God-fearing" people are persecuting the gay communities and blaming them for the world's problems. It's insane.
My grandmother and those who think like her believe in a God who, because he created us, has the right to do whatever he wants, dangle temptations before us, put us through terrible things that can break us, allow terrible human beings to hurt us...they believe in a puppet master God who is constantly "testing" us with trials and horrors, sitting up there pleased with those who somehow resist and wrathful at those who broke down. They ignore the fact that human beings were given brains with which to reason and study, and thus ignore the new discoveries about human behavior. I sincerely believe that sexual orientation is something that we are born with, not something we choose or slowly come into as we develop. But I also get angry about this "choice" thing. What if it IS a choice? Is that so terrible? Go after those who "choose" to abuse and rape children, not those who "choose" to fall in love with people who are the same sex!
God has blessed me with a mind, and I'm going to use that mind. I refuse to just swallow what some preacher at a pulpit tells me based on some book which IMO has been altered, not to mention poorly translated. I believe God will one day explain why he/she allowed such things to happen to innocent children, why horrible people are allowed to roam the planet hurting and abusing others. I don't believe in a God who sits up in the sky heating the burners for those who are hellbound according to the preachers of hate and bigotry. I believe God is love and that one day, everything will be explained to us, that we'll have answers.
I've watched lots of documentaries about the LGBTQ communities. The mother of a lesbian who committed suicide said, "I began to pray differently. I began to pray to 'the being who created me' to give me the truth." That's what I've done in the past year or so. I've decided to rethink everything I'd been "taught" and to rewire my mind. God is not mean and eager to torture and condemn people for any and every little thing that doesn't jive with some man made book.
I will talk at length about this sort of thing in "Bright", the story of two young men who live in rural Americana, far from any Pride parades or PFLAG chapters. They live with a bright but electively narrow minded woman who calls herself a godly person but who works behind the scenes to create chaos and heartbreak. I'm sure Bright will create discussions, controversy and questions, and I will be happy to answer those and explain my motives as I have with Crush.
I think I blogged all this to clear my mind of the cobwebs that have been building up for a few weeks. If you've read this far, thank you for letting me vent :)
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Yes it helped very much to get it all out of my system :) Thank you <3
Best wishes and much love. x