The Case Of The Missing Hamster: Part Three

The Third Bit:  Pervert Obsessives and Handily Placed Cricket Bats.

 

“Clare?” I said as the door opened and I instantly saw exactly why Humphrey had wanted us to travel hundreds of miles.

She had naturally auburn hair that had seen a touch of a blonde bottle and wasn’t the bottle happy for the chance to play with perfection.  She had a face men would fall on their swords if it brought the chance of a killer smile.  Fine by me.  Let them be sausages on sticks, it would give me a chance to kiss her hard enough to bruise the back of her skull.  And the body….  That was a body that took time out to get the joints oiled to move with that much ‘saunter’.

This dame was seriously smoking.  Then again, so was the kitchen.

“Yes?” She said in a soft Yorkshire accent that caused Humphrey to vibrate with the perverted excitement of an electrocuted adult toy.

“Your kitchens on fire.” I said making with a smoke.

“Fuck.”

Only taking the time to slam the door in my face the sound of running feet then a fire extinguisher was heard.  At least she slammed the door.  Very security conscious.  Dame was growing on me.

“See what I mean Dad.  See what I mean.  I mean…. Damn…. She’s a looker.  I mean a real looker.  She’s got a smile, and legs and hair and the greatest pair of ti….”

I hit Humphrey with a casual cricket bat.  Handy that there was one outside the door.  I lifted him from the rose bushes and held him in front of my face.

“Humphrey.” I said.  “When talking about ladies, you don’t have to concentrate entirely upon their breasts, as nice as they were, and yes, I did look.  We do this for the sake of good manners and because it is just possible that her friends, family and close personal acquaintances may read this and I’ve enough people wanting to see my blood spilled without adding an entire new set of people.  Understand?”

“At risk of being hit with a cricket bat again, can I please finish my sentence?”

I stood Humphrey on the lawn and took a firm hold on the cricket bat.  “Go on.”

“A great pair of tiny little humans kicking around.  Children.  She calls one The Menace and the other The Grenade.  I’m a fan.  I got her book off Pete’s Kindle and read it all the way through.  Twice.  I love it.  Especially when she talks all dirty.  And then I met her on Faeces Book, and we got talking and she told me that she had a little problem and I said we could help.  And you’re giving me that look that says I’m going into the washing machine with a box of rocks and Pete’s underwear later.”

I dropped the cricket bat and walked back to the door.  It opened on cue.

“So.  What do you want?” Clare snapped, looking slightly singed.

I slipped her a business card and thought about slipping her a couple of other things.  She read my mind but couldn’t prove it.

“Let me get this right.”  She said with a glare that made my blood boil, though a proportion of that temperature was lust.  “You’ve travelled hundreds of miles to help me find a lost Hamster?”

The post The Case Of The Missing Hamster: Part Three appeared first on Modern Military Mother .