Summer Query Extravaganza #10
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Please keep in mind that I'm no query guru, but I have read a considerable amount of query slush thanks to Query Kombat. (And that is a lot of repeating of the word query.) I might have an edge on what works and what doesn't. But as in all such critiquing, the suggestions are mainly subjective. Or in other words, take it with a grain of salt and see if others agree with me.
Here is query #10:
Maria wades through grief and destruction to stamp out a new life for herself. Her journey she finds her old world is rot with secrets that are soon compounded by the mysteries of her town. I'd cut off the front of the last sentence and try: Her old world is rotten with secrets that are compounded by the mysteries of her town. I'm afraid as a hook this is awkward and lacks details.
Maria’s father is murdered in their tiny Texas town. Now, her sister won’t come home from college, and her mom is unable to cope with grief unless she’s clutching a wine bottle. And in school, she Maria (You've moved from one character, mom, to another so use a name.) meets a vivacious new friend named Lexi. Through this new friendship two different boys zero in on her: Teo is the All-American jerk football player (We had a famous Te'o here playing at Notre Dame.) , and Joaquin De Luna Why does only this one get first and last name? Play fair or it too much of a hint. is the reserved, gorgeous, and strangely familiar soccer player. When Teo’s reckless need to possess Maria unhinges him and Joaquin comes to her rescue, she gets a glimpse of something otherworldly—both boys are shapeshifters. We're getting a lot of set-up here with the dad, mom, Lexi, and sister, but I don't see any of it coming back into the query. If it's not crucial to the story than leave it out. If only the sister is important then stick with that. When their father is murdered, Maria and her sister no longer see eye to eye. Maria relies on flirting with All-American football player, Teo, and reserved, gorgeous and strangely familiar, Joaguin De Luna. Then use the last sentence.
The legendary Tonkawa are mystical creatures with the genetic ability to shapeshift. The Apache are blood thirsty werewolves made by forcibly taking Tonkawa women to gain their genetic legacy. Their appetite for genetically strong offspring triggered a curse and their bite produces a grotesque breed called wererats. This slips into synopsis mode. I would tie the boy's names into all this, because as is, I don't know who is what. And instead of trying to get it all in at once, give it to us a little at a time. Apache, Teo is a bloodthirsty werewolf, trying to kidnap Maria to produce genetically strong offspring. After Tonkawa shapeshifter Joaguin saves her, Maria discovers they share a heritage.
As the Tonkawa alpha female Maria’s inheritance is at stake, and she fight to keep it pure. I'd assumed her sister was the older sibling since the college mention. Would her sister be the alpha? I'm not getting why she needs to keep it pure? To keep from giving birth to a monster?
My 92,000-word YA urban fantasy, COMMON BLOOD combines a grieving teenager like Ilsa J. Bick’s ASHES and the respectful Hispanic males of Elizabeth Reyes’ series THE MORENO BROTHERS. Word count might be a little high, but not bad.
Thank you very much for your time and attention.
This query is still pretty rough. Too many details that don't matter to the story. Too many details that do matter are left as guesswork. What does Maria want? What is keeping her from getting it?
The hook is a good place to work in some of Maria's personality. Maria couldn't care less about her heritage until her dad is murdered. Now her family is in pieces and her heritage is about to come back to bite her--literally.
Also you start with the father's murder, bring that back around. If the murder figures into the ending, it would make a nice arc in your query to use it again in the tie up sentences in the last paragraph.
I hope this helps to give you some idea.
Please keep in mind that I'm no query guru, but I have read a considerable amount of query slush thanks to Query Kombat. (And that is a lot of repeating of the word query.) I might have an edge on what works and what doesn't. But as in all such critiquing, the suggestions are mainly subjective. Or in other words, take it with a grain of salt and see if others agree with me.
Here is query #10:
Maria wades through grief and destruction to stamp out a new life for herself. Her journey she finds her old world is rot with secrets that are soon compounded by the mysteries of her town. I'd cut off the front of the last sentence and try: Her old world is rotten with secrets that are compounded by the mysteries of her town. I'm afraid as a hook this is awkward and lacks details.
Maria’s father is murdered in their tiny Texas town. Now, her sister won’t come home from college, and her mom is unable to cope with grief unless she’s clutching a wine bottle. And in school, she Maria (You've moved from one character, mom, to another so use a name.) meets a vivacious new friend named Lexi. Through this new friendship two different boys zero in on her: Teo is the All-American jerk football player (We had a famous Te'o here playing at Notre Dame.) , and Joaquin De Luna Why does only this one get first and last name? Play fair or it too much of a hint. is the reserved, gorgeous, and strangely familiar soccer player. When Teo’s reckless need to possess Maria unhinges him and Joaquin comes to her rescue, she gets a glimpse of something otherworldly—both boys are shapeshifters. We're getting a lot of set-up here with the dad, mom, Lexi, and sister, but I don't see any of it coming back into the query. If it's not crucial to the story than leave it out. If only the sister is important then stick with that. When their father is murdered, Maria and her sister no longer see eye to eye. Maria relies on flirting with All-American football player, Teo, and reserved, gorgeous and strangely familiar, Joaguin De Luna. Then use the last sentence.
The legendary Tonkawa are mystical creatures with the genetic ability to shapeshift. The Apache are blood thirsty werewolves made by forcibly taking Tonkawa women to gain their genetic legacy. Their appetite for genetically strong offspring triggered a curse and their bite produces a grotesque breed called wererats. This slips into synopsis mode. I would tie the boy's names into all this, because as is, I don't know who is what. And instead of trying to get it all in at once, give it to us a little at a time. Apache, Teo is a bloodthirsty werewolf, trying to kidnap Maria to produce genetically strong offspring. After Tonkawa shapeshifter Joaguin saves her, Maria discovers they share a heritage.
As the Tonkawa alpha female Maria’s inheritance is at stake, and she fight to keep it pure. I'd assumed her sister was the older sibling since the college mention. Would her sister be the alpha? I'm not getting why she needs to keep it pure? To keep from giving birth to a monster?
My 92,000-word YA urban fantasy, COMMON BLOOD combines a grieving teenager like Ilsa J. Bick’s ASHES and the respectful Hispanic males of Elizabeth Reyes’ series THE MORENO BROTHERS. Word count might be a little high, but not bad.
Thank you very much for your time and attention.
This query is still pretty rough. Too many details that don't matter to the story. Too many details that do matter are left as guesswork. What does Maria want? What is keeping her from getting it?
The hook is a good place to work in some of Maria's personality. Maria couldn't care less about her heritage until her dad is murdered. Now her family is in pieces and her heritage is about to come back to bite her--literally.
Also you start with the father's murder, bring that back around. If the murder figures into the ending, it would make a nice arc in your query to use it again in the tie up sentences in the last paragraph.
I hope this helps to give you some idea.
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