i hate it when she cries

Don't check on her for ten minutes. Listen to her — is she crying up? Or down? Even if she's crying up, leave her for at least five minutes, all babies need five minutes of crying to get themselves to sleep. Except those that don't.

All babies learn to fall asleep by themselves between 3-6 months of age. Except those that don't. Which is most of them.

Subsequent children get ignored, and they're better for it. Leave her. Let her cry. It won't take long. A couple of days of fussing.

Fussing, that's what they call it. Fussing.

And I know she won't die, I know there's nothing terribly or drastically wrong, I know she'll eventually wear herself out and fall asleep and feel better for it.

But she doesn't. And she's crying because she's scared or angry or confused or just too effing tired to figure out what's wrong, and isn't it my job, as a mother, to be there for her? Precisely when she doesn't know what to do, and what's supposed to happen next, and how to get there?

I let her cry today. Because I'm tired, because I have work to do, because my back aches and the painkillers can't touch it, because I'm impatient, I let her cry. I let her down.

I know she won't remember it. But I will.