Feedback Request

Dear EE,

The following is a new version of Face Lift 961. Please disregard everything that was presented before, as the storyline has undergone significant change.


Dear Agent,

When fourteen-year-old Miri is transported from the Academy, a state-of-the-art learning institution, to the archaic isle of Eire via the Halo, a megalithic circle of stones capable of time-travel, all she wants to do is get home. [You'd think there'd be a big electrified fence around the Halo.]

But Simon, her guardian in this backwards, medieval world won’t let her make a move without his approval. He hovers over her like an overprotective parent [You just said that.] and compels her to stick to the “traditional” roles of women-folk. He forbids her to do any writing, including working on the math formulae that might explain how she arrived here in the first place. Most frustrating of all, he refuses to take her to the stone circle in which he found her. Every misstep, even something as simple as taking a walk in the woods, incurs his considerable Irish wrath. [This paragraph needn't be so long; it's a list of stuff Simon won't let Miri do.]

Miri encounters Connor, [Did Simon approve this encounter?] a member of an elusive race of forest people, who tells her he is looking for the Lia Fail, a stone that enables a person to travel between Otherworlds. The faeries entrusted the talisman to his family, but it’s been stolen and only the Keeper can find it - and be believes her to be the Keeper. [What does the Keeper keep?]

The missing stone could be the key to getting her home, but Connor isn’t the only one looking for it. A coven of druids seeks to possess the stone. If they succeed, they will control the Circle of Tara, the doorway to all Otherworlds. [Is this different from the Halo?] Worse, they will make it possible for a ruthless warlord and his army to re-enter this world and take revenge on those responsible for his banishment. His release not only threatens Eire, but the Academy as well.

To stop them, Miri will have to find the Lia Fail. To search for it, she’ll need Simon’s help navigating the wilds of Eire, [Why can't Connor help Miri navigate the wilds of Eire?] which means she must convince him that her value is that she is unconventional. ["Yes, I know I look like other women-folk, but trust me: I'm unconventional."] To find the stone, she must unravel the Keeper’s riddle of the four elements: bone, blood, breath, and blaze. To use the stone, she must get to the Circle of Tara before she or any of her new friends become the human sacrifice at the druid’s [druids'] Samhain ceremony. [To get to the Circle of Tara she must find the Lia Fail. Our vicious cycle has come full circle.]

Phantoms in Stone is a YA Fantasy of 85,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration. 


Notes

Why can't she use the stone if one of her new friends becomes the Samhain sacrifice?

Who are these new friends?

So the druids don't mind if a ruthless warlord and his army enter the world?

Halo, Circle of Tara, Otherworlds, Lia Fall: That's a lot of proper names to explain. If, for purposes of the query, Otherworlds becomes other worlds, and Miri just wants to get back to the Halo instead of the Circle of Tara, it would simplify things.