Yes, I'm flying with a five-year-old AND 17-month-old. You MIGHT want to change your plans.

I'm revisiting one of my posts from a few years ago ... back in the day I thought traveling alone with a two-year-old was a challenge.
Now. I've amended a few things (see cross-outs), added another kid (so not an amendment so much as an addition??), and am REALLY hoping that you're patient with my family when we fly the "friendly skies". Right? Friendly. Right?
(Technically, I'm traveling with my family tomorrow, but the return trip ... will be AS WRITTEN BELOW. Add a night in Las Vegas ... gah!)



Okay. Don't think I don't see the eye-rolls, hear the grumbles, and can't smell the sheer terror on you when I walk into the boarding area. It's like your pheromones are secreting fight/flight through your pores.
Yes. I'm on your flight.
A bloody long one.
With a two-year-old. With a five-year-old and 17-month-old.
And trust me, I'm not having a pleasant day myself.
I write this because Monday tomorrow, I'm about to embark on another journey to the states with my daughters just the two  three of us. It's about a twenty-four hour trip, door-to-door. Yep. 24 HOURS. And Jack Bauer thinks he has long days? He hasn't seen the first of it. Try MY day with a 15-month-old that has an intestinal virus and blow outs we haven't seen since they did nuclear testing in Nevada (last year's (four year's ago return trip to Colombia). Beat that, Bauer.
Freaking pansy.
Anyway, this is the thing: Traveling is hard. Traveling alone with a baby/toddler is a full-blown logistical nightmare that not even Robert Michael Gates could wrap his mind around. We've got twenty-four hours of possibilities -- limitless ones -- to plan for. And all of these possibilities have to be packed in one backpack.
Why one? Because if you pack more, you have to carry two backpacks, a kid, two kids and manage the stroller, too.
Yep. One pack. One day. Endless possibilities. What could possibly go wrong? (If you need to ask you didn't pay attention to the swampy diaper issue from last year.)

So what's the point of the blog? An apology? Nope. Here are a few things to keep in mind before you roll your eyes at the haggard looking mother and children that will be boarding your plane:
I'm in hyper-mom mode -- all senses are go. So if anybody even looks cross-eyed at my kids or heaven forbid offers her them a candy, I will overreact and super-sanitize her them, keeping the candy to take the CSI lab when I arrive home. (This is why I have that crazy, blood-shot eye look about me)I am dehydrated. I haven't had a drip of water because that would mean I have to pee at some point. Relieving myself would mean either a) leaving my daughters on the plane alone which would cause either 1) a meltdown the size of Chernobyl or 2) dread because I have seen Flightplan or b) bring children with me into plane bathroom. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Two Three people in one plane bathroom is only good for one thing. And that's not peeing.I won't even talk about food.This is a twenty-four hour trip. Luck might have it you get to sit next to us on hour twenty-one. No toy, sticker, game, cajoling, candy, crayons, bribery or anything will calm my children down because she's they're tired. She They didn't sleep on the red-eye because the drinks cart practically knocked her off the chair slammed the little one in the head, causing a pseudo-concussion. I haven't slept either. So if the only thing that keeps her them happy is singing the Wheels on the Bus, you get three hours of Barneytime. Consider the alternative.Guess what? Kids cry. Sometimes they're just tired. Sometimes hungry. Sometimes bored. Sometimes all of the above; sometimes none of the above. Bottom line, kids cry. Moms want to cry, but we're the grown ups so we have to wait and cry when we get a chance to go pee at the end of the trip. Plus, we haven't hydrated, so our tear ducts have dried up. There are no tears here. Any liquid will come out in the form of urine after a 24-hour hiatus.If we are coughing, we are probably sick. Yes, I'd like the luxury of canceling trips at the last minute but simply can't afford it. It's a thousand dollar ticket home. Changing only makes things costlier. So there are few things that will keep me off the plane. I will do all I can to contain the germs in the meantime, but you seething at me doesn't not help the situation and only makes me want to not cover my mouth when I hack.If my kid is happy playing on what looks like the filthiest floor on the planet, I'm cool with that. At hour  10 (Ha! 10?? Let's get real, first airport, first few minutes) all scruples are off, and they can play in a cesspool of e-coli if need be. We take sanitizing day-long showers upon arrival. So ... yeah. I'm THAT Mom that lets her kids in festering pools of filth. They're happy. I'm happy.  YOU'RE happy.And finally, no matter HOW LONG your flight seems because you're stuck next to a five-year-old and sixteen-month-old who's just plain-old had it, my day has been MUCH longer. Trust me on this one. Bearing the weight of three-hundred plus angry passengers is not pleasant.You've been warned. If you proceed with your travel plans and are stuck singing If You're Happy And You Know It with us, thanks for singing along. Maybe we can even do it in rounds! (And feel free to spritz me with water ... I'll need it ... just not too much. We don't want to go overboard on the hydration.)

Happy Travels To You ...

TIPS & GREAT TOYS FOR TRAVELING WITH TODDLERS
Dental floss (you can't imagine how FUN this stuff can be! Mint, of course.)Sticker books/albumsCrayons/paperA surprise baggie of "new toys"Snacks (dehydrated fruit, raisins, cereal, water, water, water)Laminated photos of people they love. Wallet-size. With NEW wallet to boot.Favorite Books (not NEW ones, necessarily because you're gambling they won't be into it)Ripping airplane magazines and doing impromptu ticker-tape parades for little people.Songs, songs, songs ...Mini play-doh packsColorful pipe cleaners. Oh the joy.Glitter glue. Lots of glitter glue.Blow-up balls for the airport layovers. The beach at the airport. Imagination ... PLENTY OF IT. NOW is NOT the time to shut that part of the brain down.