THE TAIL OF THE MISSING HAMSTER BY EM FAUSTUS Chapter One
HAMSTER
The First Bit. The Lay of the Dame…. Land. Land. I meant Land.
The Name is Faustus.
EM Faustus.
Private Eye.
Let me answer your first damn stupid question first. I’m not going to tell you what the EM stands for. OK? Now if you can’t handle that, well, I’ll just cry into my coffee. My little black heart will just break at your wounded feelings. Don’t worry though. I’ll live with your pain.
Secondly, assuming you’re not too emotional, yes. I am a Private Eye. I do wear a Trilby. I wear a trench coat in the rain. I hang around alleyways, peep in windows, and do nasty little things to nasty little people. I smoke too much, drink too much coffee and have not touched booze since the time the City of Bruges took out an injunction against me.
Thirdly. I only take cares that involve Hot Dames, Casual Violence and Massive Property Destruction. It’s a genre I’m at home with.
Got that?
And before I forget, let me be gentle when I say this, UNLESS YOU’RE A FUCKING WEREWOLF, FUCKING, NECK BITER, PISSANT LITTLE GOD, SHAPESHIFTER, SKINWALKER OR ANY OTHER FORM OF ‘DIFFERENTLY ALIVE BEING’… DO NOT TRY TO HIRE ME! ALL-FUCKING –RIGHT?
I DO NOT WORK FOR ANGELS, DAEMONS, FAIRIES OR HUMANS. Especially Humans.
I hate to work for Humans. Nasty, spiteful, small minded, untrustworthy bastards. And they always argue over the bill. OK. I might be one myself, but that’s how I know just how damn nasty, perverted and untrustworthy they are. Bastards. The lot of them.
Well…. apart from one. Clare. Quick as a Yeti on amphetamines. As Hot as a magma enema. Oh yeah… And she was as sweet as lace panties. Now, if you don’t get that reference, I’m really going to do your head in.
It all started when Humphrey got a crush on his favourite author. But then again, Humphrey does have a thing for lace panties. Not in a good way.
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