Compassion Not Condemnation Could Help Us All in Deen Debacle

In the last couple of weeks we’ve watched celebrity chef Paula Deen’s public image melt down faster than butter in a fry pan.

She’s being held accountable for the racist words and phrases she used in the past. It was a long time ago, she says. But she admits to using them just the same and the words she chose have always and only been used as a way of separating and judging and demeaning other people. She made a mega-mistake, one that goes to her heart and beliefs, not only her behavior.

But this isn’t a post about Paula Deen: it’s about all of us and what we do now.

Words are powerful and we must be accountable for what we say, no matter when we say it. I want to be clear on that.

But here is where the compassion rises. We all make mistakes. Many are huge and painful and embarrassing. And there are consequences. There should be. The vulnerable must be protected, and justice must take its course. There are penalties for being a discriminating stupid-head.

But, let us remember too, our humanity. We must — or we ourselves become what we despise in others. If we use our words to disparage and hurt Deen, or anyone else – our kids, or spouses, or people of different ethnicities or religions or neighborhoods, we are guilty of the same errors she’s answering for. If, instead, we remember who we are and operate first from compassion, then we won’t repeat the mistakes of hate and discrimination.

Nor, will we get all judgy and self-righteous. I’m hoping here, that instead of judging Deen, those of us who have said stupid, wrong, hurtful things (me included) can move into a place of greater awareness and compassion. Then maybe we can stop this stuff — this practice of separation through our speech and behavior — and move into a place of connection.

It becomes an inside out exercise that starts when we look first at our own lives; our beliefs, experiences, and errors. Then we can start asking questions, and listening to each other and talking to our kids and becoming vulnerable and open. From here we become aware of the words we choose, the way we talk to each other. We become responsible for our lives and the joy and hurt we cause. And, we can get clear that our differences are also the things that make our families and neighborhoods, schools and corporations, and nations, work.

When we become clear and open to learning in our own lives, hate can’t survive. When we stop judging and start talking in an open-hearted way we start liking and learning about each other a little more, we start hanging out, we discover empathy. Then using our words to hurt each other becomes unthinkable. Instead, we use them to inspire and uplift each other.

So, don’t judge Deen, she’ll be held accountable through corporate America and the legal system defending those she has wronged. But let us learn from her and then take care of our own business. Because this is how change, real change, starts – and ends. When we get real about our own actions, when we align what we say with what we do, compassion comes next.

Compassion breeds dialogue, patience, tolerance and kindness. No question, we are still going to make mistakes. Some will be painful. But, here’s hoping that when we do screw it up, we will be courageous enough to be accountable, strong enough to learn, and loved enough to be met with compassion. When we can do that for each other, we can grow through these moments into something better.