Air Conditioner From Hell

“What do you want for it?” Ted asked the clerk as he examined the strange white block on the floor in front of him.

About three feet high, Ted imagined it must be an air conditioner.  One of the portable ones that won’t break your back since it didn’t need to be set in the window.  It was odd though, there didn’t appear to be any exit vent.  Chalking it up to perhaps a special model that didn’t need a vent, he let it go.

The clerk looked up from what he had been reading on the store counter and adjusted his glasses with his finger.  “What? That?” he scoffed.  “Oh I dunno – I don’t think it works,” he paused and looked up to the ceiling thoughtfully, “Five bucks and it’s yours.”

“Five Bucks?” Ted smiled.  “Five bucks for an air conditioner.  That’s a deal.”

“Ahuh.  Like I said, I doubt it works.  Been sitting there for years.” The clerk, clearly annoyed, went back to reading whatever it was he was reading before.

Ted reached into his pocket and withdrew a five dollar bill and stepped over to the counter to hand the money to the clerk.  The other man didn’t raise his head, but instead talked to his paper, “Just leave it on here” he patted the counter.

Ted paid little attention to the annoyance and set the money on the counter.  Worth ten times that, he thought and carried out the air conditioner.  It was heavy and he had all he could do to get it to his rusty truck.  That was all he needed, a broken back.  Especially with a boss like the one he had.

Having only a GED wasn’t any help in landing a decent job.  Instead, he had taken employment from his father in law’s friend, Roy, whom he despised.  Roy was what Ted considered to be an ambulance chaser. Ted would run errands for Roy and was expected to be at his beck and call at all times.  The thought of taking orders from that man was enough to send his blood pressure spiraling into the danger zone.

Ted pulled up to the office and began to unload the heavy unit when Roy stepped out of the office building.  Wearing his standard, all gray suit, Roy looked at Ted and pulled his belt up to cover his big waistline.

“What the heck you got there Ted?” He asked, squinting at the sun shining down on them.

“I picked up an air conditioner.” Ted replied and heaved as he pulled the unit off the truck to set it on the ground.

“I’m not buying a darned air conditioner.  You got a fan already.” He replied as he shook his head.

“You didn’t buy it, I did.”

“You’re not installing that junk in my office.” Roy turned his back and began to enter the office.

“If you want me to do my job and keep my mouth shut about that affair you are having with the new assistant, you’ll let me install it.”

Roy turned and glared back at him frowning and slowly eased up into a smile, “Sure.  You go ahead Son.”

Ted watched him leave and then began hauling the unit to his small closet where Roy had set up a space for Ted to work.  Roy required Ted keep the door shut and there were no shades in the space.  The sun would beat down on him during the day and it would get stifling.

Again, checking the back of the unit, there were in fact no vents.  The only thing attached to the unit was a black cord which he plugged into the wall.  A neon blue light began to blink.  Ted reached out and pressed the button.

The room appeared to melt away as if the walls were made of butter.  Ted felt his head spinning and soon all he saw was blackness.  Stars surrounded him and light flashed, causing him to raise his arm up to keep from being blinded.  A moment later, he found himself in a dense forest.  Clicking sounds of nearby woodland creatures echoed in the trees.

Ted gasped and scanned his surroundings.  It was more than he could imagine.  It was beautiful.  He could not see the sky, as he appeared to be deep in a forest of some sort.  Yet, he did not recognize the trees.  They had an exotic look to them.  Mysterious fruit hung from the limbs high above him.  Turning around, he saw the black cord of what appeared to have been from the air condition unit.  A few feet ahead, it disappeared into a white cloud where he could make out the slightest bit of his office.

Incredible, he thought.  That machine – it made a portal. Ted laughed hysterically.  He didn’t know if he was going crazy or if this was in fact real.

Cautiously, he took a few steps.  The ground was soft and mushy.  Curious, he knelt down to feel the earth below his feet.  He fell back at what he saw.  The ground was moving.  What he had thought was overgrowth, was in fact, worms.  Lots of worms.

Ted tripped and fell backward.  Bugs of all forms began crawling up his legs.  Frantically, Ted screamed and jumped to his feet.  What had been the clicking noise he discovered had actually been the worms on the ground ripping at the soles of his shoes.

”This can’t be.  What is this place?” He shrieked.

He felt his back press against a tree trunk and it felt, not like bark, but more like a sticky, rubbery substance.  He tried to pull free, but he was stuck.

The white portal was not far ahead, in front of him.  He tried to pull away from the tree, but he was glued.  Dark voices whispered in the woods and with each word, grew louder as they approached.

Ted thrashed as hard as he could and ripped one arm free, but his other shoulder was still firmly stuck to the trunk of the tree.

“Hungry.” A dark voice whispered and something cracked in the woods followed by piercing laughter.

More voices chimed in.  “Hungry.  So Hungry.”

Ted could make out large shadowy shapes now to both sides of him.  His feet were burning.  The worms had burrowed into his shoes.

Panic set in deeper and he thrashed harder, wrenching free his other shoulder.  He dashed to the portal and heard whatever had been talking running for him.  He could almost feel as though they had him.  He leaped into the portal.

Crashing into the door of the small room, Ted was back at his work.  Feeling a pull to the portal, he kicked with his foot at the power cord, knocking it from the outlet.  The portal faded out and he took a deep breath.

Slowly getting to his feet, he cursed at the pain he felt.  He amazed himself at how calm he was.  He should be scared, but he wasn’t.  There might be a use for this machine, he thought.

Ted sat down and smiled as he stared at the machine.  Years of putting up with Roy, he might finally have his revenge.  It made him wonder, why hadn’t Roy fired him years ago?  It was obvious Roy hated him.  Well, it doesn’t matter now.  Ted giggled.  He would win.

Listening for Roy to leave for the day, Ted waited patiently for the others in the office to leave.  When the last employee had left, Ted walked to Roy’s office and took out the window air conditioner unit.  It was heavy, and Ted was tired, but the thought of revenge was so sweet.

Ted put a note on the unit:

“Broken.  Took A/C from closet”

Signing it as the janitor, the task was almost complete.

Next, Ted dragged the mysterious machine to the office and plugged it in.  The blue neon light began blinking.  Ted smiled.  Tomorrow is going to be great, he thought and walked back to his office.  He’d stay there for the night.  He didn’t want to miss this.

Morning arrived.  It seemed to take forever.  Ted jumped from his chair when he heard Roy’s voice.

”What the heck is this?” Roy asked no one.

Footsteps followed and shortly after a knock at Ted’s door.  Roy didn’t wait for his answer and opened the door.

Ted tried his best to look mad.  He didn’t wait for Roy to question why his A/C had been replaced.  “I bought that unit with my own money, Roy.”

Roy smiled.  “Yeah, sometimes we need to make sacrifices.” Turning, he let the door close behind him.

Indeed, Ted thought.

Ted listened for Roy to start the machine.  A minute passed and Ted quietly made his way to Roy’s office and peered inside.  Roy was not there.  A black cloud hung behind the machine.  Ted stepped a little closer to where the cord was plugged in the wall.

Cautiously reaching for the cord, he could almost hear screams from far far away.  Have fun Roy, he thought and smiled before yanking the cord free.  The cloud vanished.

“Not bad for five bucks.” He smiled and went back to his closet office.

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